***

Chapter one
"Just Pretend"

"So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me"

Gerard closed his eyes, trying hardest to keep his tears back. Yet sure enough the salt of misery was building up in his eyes, daring him to blink. The emotions filling his head slowly blurred his eyesight. He tried his hardest to not make a sound, to not sniff or let a sob leave his throat.
He lay exposed, naked, on the queen sized bed, covered in blood red satin sheets. The fabric that lay below him was wet with blood and smelt of sin.
Outside, the rain lashed at the windows causing a soothing clatter, and lightning filled the room. Bright flashes of light blinked across the room exposing Gerard and all his surroundings in short bloody scenes. The thunder was deafening as it caused the glass chandelier above him rattle and reflect light in odd angles. He tried his hardest to keep his breathing even as his freezing body lay completely still.
He was pretending to sleep, lying uncovered and freezing. The blood was dripping from his stomach and leaking from his lips.
And he continued to pretend

He pretended to sleep when the tongue licked up the blood that lay dripping from his stomach and leaking from his mouth

He pretended to sleep when the hand brushed the hair out of his face and tucked in behind his ear

He pretended to sleep when the lips explored his body

He pretended to sleep when a body was pressed tight to his frail body

He pretended to sleep when the voice whispered in his ear o so passionately " I love you baby"

He ignored the handcuffs
He ignored the pain
He ignored the passion to get up and leave

He ignored the thoughts in his head. He ignored the wish in his head that he would just die here and now.

He ignored the screaming thoughts to get out

Instead he pretended

Pretended it was going to be okay
Pretended he wasn't doing this to him

Just pretending to sleep
With the occasional spitting up of blood
And the situational feel of lips kissing his neck and hands going where hands shouldn't be going

Even when it was obvious he wasn't sleeping
He pretended

Just sleep
It will be over in the morning
And it will start up again the next night
When the sun leaves us behind

But for now

Pretend.

Chapter two
"Taste of Chaos"

"Hey Gerard, are you ganna eat?" Frank asked, snatching Gerard out of his thoughts.
"O umm, I'm not feeling so great, I think I'm ganna pass" Gerard said, swirling the milk in his cereal bowl.
My Chemical Romance was all gathered at Ray's house and was eating their breakfast before they set out for the Taste of Chaos tour. It was four 0'clock in morning, and no one was specially happy.
"Sorry I don't have much to eat" Ray yawned, placing a bowl of eggs in the middle of the table.
"No dude, this is a feast compared to what Gerard makes Mom and I" Mikey said, pilling his plate with eggs.
"Well you could try making breakfast for once" Frank stood up for Gerard, who was now staring intently at his cereal bowl. Frank took a sideways glance at Gerard and studied his pale tired face.
"We can stay one more night you know" Frank whispered. This was the first tour since Gerard's sickly depression and everyone was deeply concerned for him, even if they didn't show it so well ( like, uh, Mikey!).
"No, its okay" Gerard said almost inaudible giving Frank a half smile. "I'm just tired this morning"
"He's always tired in the morning! Not to mention impossible to talk to and all around crappy" Mikey cut in between a mouthful of eggs.
"Mikey, shut up!" Frank snapped shooting him a glare.
"No, it's okay" Gerard put down his spoon and pushed back his chair. "We should go right?
"Yea" Frank said, following Gerard's suit. He took Gerard and his plate to the sink where he emptied Gerard's untouched cereal.
After rinsing their plates and pacing the neighborhood for their last goodbyes, they all settled in their new Taste of Chaos bus. This was new and unusual for My Chemical Romance as they always toured in a can of some sort. You could tell their discomfort when Bob asked the driver if it was okay to sit on the sofa. But after many questions to the driver like "Do you need one of us to take a shift?" or "Can we actually put food in the fridge?" they were off.
Gerard had right away chosen his bunk. Top on the left side, and farthest from the entryway. Frank, being his best friend on the bus, settled on the bunk across from his. And Mikey, still not being able to be far away from his older brother, choose the bunk below Gerard's and made himself a convenient little hole on the top of his bunk so that he could talk up to Gerard. There was about 3 feet between the two sides of the bunks, so everyone was close, but this was so much better that dismantling the back seat of a van and squeezing together in the back.
"So we left New Jersey at 6:30 so we'll be in Ohio around 12:30" Ray guessed abusing the couches and watching Bob kick Mikey's ass at a violent checkers game.
"And we meet the Used at the Hudson Hotel" Frank added, looking up from his book.
Gerard's head snapped up from his notebook he had laid across his lap.
"We meet the Used there? Our first show is in California" Gerard questioned, confused.
"Yea we'll the Used's bus was only a rent out to Ohio, they'll get a new one in California" Frank answered looking back down at his book.
"Why didn't they just ride with us?" Ray asked "They were in New Jersey."
"Bert had his reasons I think" Frank, the giver of all information said "He needs to make a day stop in.."
"Wisconsin to see his cousin" Gerard finished, suddenly remembering and looking back down to his notebook.
"Yea that" Frank said giving Gerard a strange look.
"Since you know everything about Bert, you lovers can share a bunk when the Used comes" Mikey laughed
Gerard's eyes snapped to Mikey and he gave him a stained expression, his eyes melting into Mikey's. His face held the expression of flash backs and fear burned in his eyes.
Mikey looked back down to the checkers with no feeling of harm or regret.
"I'm going to take a nap" Gerard said mechanically getting to his feet and staring at the top of Mikey's head. He closed his notebook and held it to his chest.
"Okay" Frank said flipping the page in his book.

No one noticed the tears in Gerard's eyes or the catch in his voice

No one ever did except Bert.

Chapter 3
"From the Razor to the Rosary"

Gerard wiped his eyes and walked to the back of the bus, instantly changing his mind about sleeping and deciding to try out the shower. Gerard slipped into the narrow door way and locked it behind himself, consciously making sure no one would walk in on him. He faced the mirror that was ridiculously large, probably for some kinky reason Gerard didn't want to know. He wiped a few tears from his eyes, reassuring himself that he's okay, and that he could get through this. He took a deep breath and slowly pulled his shirt off to expose a lean, pale chest. How he hated looking at himself. He tore his eyes off his face and looked down to his chest where he saw it for the first time. The vermillion mark of possession. He ran his finger along a long exposed cut sliced from the middle of his pale, fragile chest down to his lower hips. He grimaced as his finger ran down the wound which was still not scabbing and softly touched the beginning of the cut. It started right at his heart. Gerard usually found beauty in wounds and open cuts, but all he found in this one was hate and ugliness. The whole cut infected with bad intentions. He blinked a few tears down as his eyes traveled the long cut up and down his body as if he could make it all disappear. He tore his eyes away from his reflection and continued to undress, removing every article of clothing with care to not hurt any other wound that may infect his body.
He slipped in the shower and turned on the warm water, turning his back to the shower head to let the water stream down his back. The steam started to lift clouding the whole shower stall which was closed in glass, fogging the walls and filling Gerard's lungs. Suffocating was the feeling. Dying was the thought. But for everything to go away was the will.
He turned around to let the water his chest, but once the hot water hit his wound, shots of pain sprang through his whole body.
"SHIT!" he cursed, jumping back to escape the water's pain and sank to the floor. He leaned his back against the shower wall and massaged the red tender skin as it started to bleed once more. He stayed there on the floor, his legs tucked up to his chest to protect himself from the water. He tucked his head in letting the water run down his body, numbing his feelings. Gerard dug his fingernails into his arm so that it punctured skin as he waited for the burning of the wound to stop, but it never did. He let a few tears roll down his checks and got lost in the shower and the blood flowing through the drain. Soon tears became sobs as he started to shake and loose control of his emotions. Gerard cried the hardest he had ever experienced. His whole body shook as weeps ran down his body and he bit his arm to control the sound whimpering from his mouth. He gasped for air before letting another long sob escape his lips, letting everything he's kept inside escape in tears.

Everything from the drugs
To the razor
To the abuse

He just let it out. Long sobs that never ended each had a story behind them. He stayed like that, numbed by the hot shower for minutes on end.
Crying
Weeping
And bleeding.

Chapter 4
"Someone get a Camera"

Gerard dragged himself to his bunk, ignoring the frustrated grunts as he pushed past Bob. He carelessly pulled aside his curtains and slipped in his bunk.
He just wanted to sleep
He just wanted to slip into a world where memories were non existent
He just wanted to be left alone
He just didn't want the other guys to see the blood soaked towel he was wrapped in.

He shut the curtains and slid into the warm blankets, not even bothering to put clothes on.

He felt dirty. Even though he had just taken a shower, the feel of filth surrounded his skin and his insides ached of sin. He felt the dense cruelty of being unclean. It contaminated his thoughts and spread throughout his veins.

He didn't want to think about it
He didn't want to dream about it
He just didn't want...

And we all know how to get rid of emotion.
~~~

"Gerard! We're in Ohio!" Frank called gleefully pushing past his band members to Gerard's bunk. He stood on his tip toes, knocking expectantly on the wood frame. "Gerard, wake up."
He waited for an answer for 10 seconds. In receiving none, he peeked through the curtains, to see Gerard's bare back, breathing shallowly.
"Gee?" he asked cautiously pulling back the curtains.
Gerard made no indication that he heard. Frank's excited smile slowly erased from his face as he studied Gerard's breathing patterns.
"What's up?" Mikey asked stepping up on his tip toes besides Frank. "Watching Gerard the vampire sleep? Whoa! Would you look at that! Gerard never goes anywhere without a shirt on! Someone get a camera!"
Frank didn't even notice Mikey standing next to him as he slowly extended his arm to shake Gerard slightly.
The pulse in Franks head throbbed against his thoughts as warning signs exploded in his mind. He felt suddenly sick as he watched Gerard's back move with no rhythmic patterns. His ribcage visible as his chest slowly rose and fell with the shallow exhale and inhale of breath. He wanted to withdraw his hand from Gerard's bunk immediately after he put it in. the air reminded Frank of a tomb as heat of Gerard's freshly showered body engulfed Frank's flesh. With every inch his hand moved toward Gerard's back, his body seemed to move away.
Mikey hesitantly looked from Frank to his hand and then to Gerard.
"What are you doing?"
Frank's hand came in contact with Gerard's skin. The smoothness absorbing through his fingers, as the tender flesh pressed in pressure beneath Frank's finger tips. Yet through the perfection of his skin, he felt the cold of despair.
Frank closed his eyes and slowly gripped Gerard's shoulder, turning him to face the opened curtain.
"O god" Mikey gasped faintly.

To Be Continued...