Disclaimer: I do not think I own MCR because I don't. Nobody does. If anything, they own me... and my soul for eternity!! Bahahahaa

Remember being a teenage girl, love struck with a celebrity that you know you'll never meet let alone get to fall in love with you, but you still said over and over that you were going to marry them? Imagine this if you will . . . getting to marry them. How would you feel? Those butterflies in your stomach, that lightheaded feeling . . . it would be like that only multiplied by a million.

So it's not exactly easy being engaged to a member of a band . . . long (smelly) bus trips to places with lots of people (agoraphobics, this isn't the life for you) but you deal with it because the lightheadedness and butterflies in your stomach make everything better . . .

So I'm not really too sure how Mikey supposedly fell in love with me. He says it was love at first sight, but I beg to differ. The first time he saw me I was on the ground in a parking lot, ankle broken, knees scraped, mascara pouring down my cheeks. He so graciously helped me up into his car and drove me to emerg. Boy was that was a fun way to meet MCR.

"Are you okay?" he asked, the other guys slowly coming closer to see what had happened. I looked down at my ankle. I could actually see the bone sticking out of my leg.

I could feel it coming. I threw up all over. I think I even got some on his shoes. After coughing a couple times and wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I spat out the words, "I'm fine," and hobbled over to a nearby bench.

"I think we better get her to a hospital," some one said. I had no clue who, my head was spinning so fast.

"Yeah, let's go...uh," Mikey trailed off unsure of what to call me.

"Cacee," I said.

"Cacee."he repeated.

*

After blacking out, waking up in a white room and being examined by four doctors, they fixed me up all good and let me rest for a while. The doctor walked in after what felt like a long nap. "You can go tonight if you'd like, or you can wait till morning" he told me.

"I'll go thank you," I said, attempting to adapt to crutches. I had to find my friend, Kayla.

I walked out into the emergency waiting room. They were all still waiting there. I had thought for sure they would have left.

"Hey, Cacee, are you All right?" Gerard asked.

A huge smile spread across my face. "Yeah I'm fine," My Chemical Romance, chilling in an emergency room, waiting for me. Too weird.

"Where are you staying?" Ray asked. "We can take you there,"

Mikey leaned over to Gerard and asked him a question that I couldn't hear.

"Or she can stay with us, just for the night," Gerard suggested. "Since everything happened at our concert and all"

"Oh, no I couldn't I have to find my friend anyway." I said.

"Um, no she's here," Frank said. "We drove her here too, you passed out."

"Oh yeah. Where's she at?" I asked.

"Bathroom." he replied.

"Listen, I really appreciate everything you've done but I couldn't possibly stay with you guys." I said.

"There wouldn't be any room-"

"Have you seen our bus?" Mikey asked, laughing a bit, "It's fine,"

Kayla stumbled out of the bathroom. She was wasted. I laughed at her. "As long as you can accommodate two then I guess that'd be fine." I said.

"Done," Mikey said.

Plain Weird.

*

On the way back to the tour bus Kayla passed out. I just laughed. Too bad she wouldn't remember when she met MCR. Bahahah.

Do you have any idea how awkward that car ride was? Crazy awkward. When we got to the bus Frank carried Kayla in fireman style and Mikey and Gerard helped me upstairs, into the bus. I loved MCR and now I was in their bus. I tried to relax. It got to be 4am and everyone packed it in, except Mikey. He decided he wanted to keep me company. I couldn't sleep anyway because my nap had given me an extra energy boost.

"So you from around here?" he asked.

"No I'm from Canada actually. I just graduated high school this year and I wanted to travel for a year and find out what I wanna do,"

"Wait a second, high school?? You're 18?" he asked, evidently shocked.

"Um yeah?"

"I thought you were at least... 21," he said

"Nope, but thanks. Lots of people sat that." I replied.

Mikey shook his head in pure disbelief. "That makes the next thing I was going to say piles more awkward."

"What were you going to say?" I asked, "Nothing around me is awkward," Haha, good fib Cace.

"I was just...gonna ask you...out?" I ended up being more of a question than a statement.

My heart sank, my stomach filled with butterflies on crack. I went completely.... numb. I couldn't even reply.

"But if not...I understand..." he got up, "I'm-"

"I would love to go out with you Mikey,"

This happiness that I had never witnessed or experienced filled his eyes and every inch of my body. Mikey and Cacee. It was perfect, absolutely perfect.

But this had happened before. Some guy would end up liking the Cacee they saw and knew, Mikey didn't ever really know me, then they would find out the secret that ruined all my relationships. Like a ticking time bomb it would go off at a crucial moment and destroy everything.

After I finally found a comfortable position in the reclining chair I fell asleep, Mikey sitting beside me.

*

I awoke to video game sounds. Gerard, Frank, Ray and Bob had huddled in front of the TV to play Nintendo. Mikey was still fast asleep beside me. But where was Kayla?

My question was soon answered when she stumbled out of the bathroom for the second time in twenty-four hours. "OhMyGod!! Cacee what happened to your leg???" she exclaimed.

"Too drunk to remember?" I asked.

"All I remember is the concert and waking up," Staying in random people's places she was used to. Waking up in random people's places, she was used to. Heck sleeping with random people she was used to. But staying in a band's bus, she wasn't so used to. After stepping closer to me she recognized the guys and had a complete freak attack. "But you are-and we are-and-and OhMyGod!!!" I liked how she had totally forgotten about my leg.

"Ex..act..ly??" I said, slightly confused.

She eyed Frank and mouthed to me the words, "He's so hot!" I rolled my eyes, glad I hadn't handled the situation like that.

I looked over at Mikey. He looked, peaceful...content. Any minute now, I'm going to wake up I thought, I have to be dreaming

Mikey's eyes slowly opened. He stretched, yawned, sat up. "Hey," he said in a hoarse, I-just-woke-up voice

"Hi," I said, smiling big.

"Do you want some coffee?" he asked, getting out of his chair.

"Ew," I said, "I don't drink coffee,"

His eyes widened in pure and utter shock. "Y-you don't like coffee??"

I laughed, "Oh right, you're a coffee junkie,"

"Yeah,"

"I could go for Red Bull," I said.

"Done. I'm going on a coffee run," he announced, "Anybody want?" The video gamers nodded simultaneously and Kayla said no thanks. With that he left.

"Holymutherfuckingshitdon'tdie!! Goddamn it!!" Gerard yelled at the TV, chucking his controller to the floor. He sat down next to me and the other guys laughed at him. "I hate video games," he told me. "How's your leg?"

"Broken," I said smartly.

"No way," he said sarcastically, "I mean how does it feel?"

"It feels broken-"

"This could go on for a while," he interrupted.

I laughed, "Thanks for everything by the way."

"No problem. It was Mikey's idea, thank him." He had a childish expression on his face like he was in high school, talking up his best friend.

"You don't have to talk him up, he asked me out...I said yes..."

He looked surprised, "That soon? Risky on your part,"

"Why?"

"Do you know anything about him?" he asked.

"We know pretty much the same amount about each other." I said, chuckling.

"I guess..." he trailed off.

"Is there something you don't like about me??" I asked.

"It's not that at all... it's just... Mikey's at a point in his life where he shouldn't really be in a relationship," he explained.

I still was clueless, "What do you mean by that?"

"It's not my place to say, Mikey will tell you, soon too,"

Oh great I thought, we both have issues

I shrugged. "We all have our secrets."

"I think I know yours," he said.

I shat. "Whatthefuckhowcouldyoupossiblyknow?"

"I'm observant," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Is that so? Well you've just got it all figured out haven't you."

"Yup,"

"What have you observed?" I asked. There's no way. I go through a bottle of foundation a week trying to cover this shit up. There's no way.

"Well, and don't be offended if I'm wrong... but I observed that you are super skinny-- "

I burst into hysteric laughter, "You think I have an eating disorder?? No way, I'm addicted to food." I patted my stomach. "Good old metabolism."

He turned beet red, "I'm so sorry,"

"It's fine. Though all of high school my friends were like, 'Do you throw up your food?' because they saw that I ate like a horse," I said, laughing even harder.

He laughed with me, "Okay so what is your secret,"

It's for me to know and for you to not,"

*

When Mikey got back and we finished out caffeine, I decided that I should get some exercise and go for a walk. I hobbled off the bus and crutched around with Mikey for a while. I had to know, even if it meant me telling him, I had to know. "So what's your deepest secret?" So, I'm forward with my prying. B.F.D.

This caught him off guard. "Well, ahem, I guess you should know," he paused, apprehensive, "I just got outta rehab, for drug abuse... heroin..."I was blind sided. Floored if you will. The cute (very cute) nerdy bassist of one of my all time favorite bands...a heroin addict?

"Oh,"

"Listen, after I broke up with Alicia I slipped into a depression that pushed me to use. I'm not a bad person--"

"I never thought for one second that you were," I protested, "Good job on the clean up,"

"Yeah it's been six months now," he said, jamming his hands in his pockets.

"Wow," I wished I could quit...clean up in a sense... I hoped and prayed that he wouldn't ask my darkest secret."So what's yours?"

Damn. "Well I have an addiction too."

"Wait, have, as in, not yet over?" he asked.

"Yeah,"

"Well, what is it?"

I flopped down on a bench, tired of crutching. "You have to guess,"

"Why?"

"Because I have a super hard time coming out and saying it," I replied.

"Okay, drugs?"

"No, I wish,"

He laughed, "Alcohol?"

"Nope,"

"Eating Disorder?"

Baha, "Nope,"

"I don't know, gambling?"

"Uh-uh,"

He gave me a look. He definitely had it.

"You don't wanna say it either?" I asked.

"Why do you...?"

"I dunno, have any tattoos?" So my analogies are off topic. Whatever.

"Um, yeah why?"

"Well when you got it done, did you bite your lip?"

He gave me a look, "Yeah?"

"Well it's like that, if you focus the pain else where, it doesn't hurt as much," I explained."I see,""It tears all my relationships to bits, just so you have a heads up."

"Not a chance, this will be different. Trust me,"

"It gets bad. You ready for it?" I asked in a sarcastic tone, even thought I was 100% serious.

"Of course, Cacee,"

SO I had done it. I had actually told someone, instead of them finding out accidentally Annnnd, they didn't judge/slap me/break up with me for it. Woot. But I still felt this emptiness inside me. What in hell is wrong with me? I am with the man that I convinced myself with false hope that I would marry someday and I feel empty?? Is that even humanly possible?? I didn't think so... I needed to do it. But I couldn't get any privacy. I didn't want anyone getting mad at me... especially Kayla. She thought I had quit. Aww jeez... I sure am in a pickle.

We had headed back to the bus. The walk had actually tired me out. I guess that I did have that ton of plaster...plastered (?) to my leg that I had to carry around. Before I took a nap I limped into the bathroom. I locked the door, and dug around in my purse. Where was that bag?? After getting frustrated, I dumped everything out and looked through all my crap. It wasn't there. Kayla. She must've chucked it out. What was I going to do? I searched their drawers for anything I could use... and I would use anything. I came across a razor and I broke it apart to just get the blade. I challenged myself first, like I always did. I couldn't fight it. I never could. I ran the blade lightly over my skin. It did nothing. Then I dug the razor into my wrist and pulled it toward me. Bliss.

After a few minutes of sitting on the floor, I put some tissue paper on it to stop the bleeding. I hate using tissue paper. Little pieces always got stuck in there and it got all gross. If I had been at home I would've used the rag-but I couldn't think about home. Not now. I cleaned myself up, fixed up my make-up, which looked rank might I add, then pulled some bracelets and a wristband over it and put on my happy face, like a mask to cover my problems. I walked into their lounging area and collapsed onto the recliner.

Mikey sat beside me. "You okay?" he asked.

"Just fine," I replied. I'm always just fine.

"No, I don't think you are.. you can tell me. What are afraid of?"

I'm scared everything will fall apart. I'm scared you'll hate me. I'm scared everyone will hate me It was thoughts like that that drove me to wanna do it again.. and again.

"I'm not afraid of anything." I said stiffly. What a lie.

"Hmm...Okay if you say so," he said, dropping the subject.

I had a fifteen-minute power nap and I was bursting with energy. I sat up and Gerard gave me a look. "I can see it in your eyes Cacee, your not happy."

My jaw dropped. No one in the history of my life had EVER said that to me. "Of course I'm happy, god, how can you even say that."

"I just know..."

I then noticed that we were the only ones in the bus, "What you think you know everything now?"

"No, I think I know what you're going through. Depression is not cool, I know--"

"I am not depressed! Why would I be? I have Mikey... he's...perfect." I said. Don't cry, not in front of him, of all people.

"No one's perfect," he said, like he was trying to be Mr. therapist.

"Oh except you, right Gerard. You know everything about everyone because you've supposedly been through it all? I'll bet you anything that I've been through twice the shit you have so stop acting like you know me. You don't know me." I said, in an angry tone. Why was I getting so mad? Over this.

"You're right Cacee, I don't know you, but I know my brother. He is finally healthy. If you're not then it would probably be best if you two didn't see each other."

"Oh, so now you're his mom? Get a grip Gerard!" I yelled. Now my exit would have been a lot more dramatic if I hadn't had the stupid cast but I crutched myself off the bus and to a bench, by myself. An hour later Kayla, Mikey, Frank, Ray and Bob came walking up to the bus. Mikey spotted me and strolled over, "Hey sleepyhead."

This did make me smile a little, "Hey."

"What's up?" he asked.

"Well for starters your brother thinks I'm too much of a fuck-up to be your girlfriend."

"He said that?"

"More or less yeah, like, I'm sorry I'm not perfect,"

"No one's asking you to be," he said, "Gee's just a little overprotective of me. You should have heard some of the words he had for my last girlfriend,"

I cracked another smile, "I dunno, I guess I'm leaving soon anyway,"

"No you're not," he protested.

"I kind of have to, I can't come with you," I said, a puzzled expression gracing my face.

"Yes, you are you're coming. I'll drag you," he said.

"Stubborn one are we?" I asked.

He nodded."Well don't you think Gerard will have something to say about this??" I asked.

"Tough shit, he'll have to deal with it," he wasn't budging on this one.

"But it'll be constant bickering, neither of us need that, especially now," I insisted.

"I'll get him to apologize, don't you worry your pretty little head about it,"

Oh.

My.

God.

Did he mean that? Pretty? Was he blind? I wasn't sure how anyone could come to the conclusion that I was pretty.

He smiled at me and walked slowly beside me as I shambled to the bus. I didn't want to go in, in fact it was the last place I wanted to be. Do it for him, don't fight about it I told myself. Gerard was no where to be seen, so I relaxed a bit and sat down in the lounge.

"Cacee, how're you feeling?" Frank asked.

"Dandy," I replied, monotone.

He laughed, "We got some painkillers in the bathroom,"

"No, I'm fine," I said. Of course I could have gone for some Demerol, but I didn't want to get up.

"Come on," he said, I could see he wanted more than just to get me drugs so I got up and followed him to the bathroom.

"Okay, what is this about?" I asked. I was rather amazed that we could both fit into the slightly-larger-than-a-closet bathroom.

"I wanna know what that's about."

I looked to where he was pointing. Damn wristbands were never reliable.

"Listen-"

"I am,"

"I know I have a problem, a big one," I paused, ready to break down. Over half the bus knew. Fantastic. "But don't judge me because it's the last thing I need."

He grabbed me wrist and examined the fresh cut and the other scars.

I pulled away.

"I wanna help,"

"There's nothing you can do,"

"You can cry,"

"I don't cry,"

"Maybe that's part of your problem." He said.

I started chewing my fingernails, a nervous habit. "I don't cry," I repeated, even thought I could feel it coming. That tightening feeling in my throat, I tried to choke it back like always but it could not be done. My eyes filled with tears and blurred my vision, ruining my make-up...and my everything. "I don't cry," I said through tears and sobs.

"You want me to get Mikey?" he asked, rubbing my back in a soothing kind of way. I wiped my eyes and pulled myself together. "No" I declared, standing up.

He pulled me into a kind but awkward I'm-your-boyfriend's-friend hug. He pulled away. "So," he opened the medicine chest, "What we came in here for...aha," he grabbed a bottle of extra strength Tylenol and I took about five of them and proceeded to the lounge. I knew Mikey could see that I had been crying but where do you go and talk? Nowhere. Except-

"You wanna come lay with me?" Mikey asked in a cheery, non-awkward way.

Everyone else in the room gave each other looks. I rolled my eyes, "Sick-minded much?" I asked. They all just snickered. I followed Mikey to the bunks at the back, unsure of how this would be comfortable. At least he was on the bottom. I slid in and he lay on his side, "Okay, you have to tell me what's wrong Cacee."

"What's wrong is... I haven't gotten a kiss from you yet,"

He laughed, "Well I know that's not it, but I'm sure we can still arrange it," He put his hand in that spot, behind my ear, sort of in my hair and gently kissed me. I immediately kissed him back. An intense ecstatic feeling flowed through every inch of my body. I felt happy, truly, for the first time in a while. The voice in the back of mind that was constantly screaming, "Worthless," dissolved. All...from one kiss.

Only. One. Problem. I knew it would come. The crash. The way my emotions worked was I'd get super happy, then my mood would plummet and I would get super depressed. I tried to forget about it. Maybe I would smarten up and stay happy. It was possible.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"Mmm-hmm," I mumbled.

"Good," he pulled my body closer to his, "You're beautiful Cacee, never let anyone tell you differently."

"Mikey, I'm not beautiful," I objected.

"Are you serious? Why do you think that?"

"Because I have mirrors...a reflection...eyes." I said, sarcasm flowing through my words.

He attempted to form words but nothing came out. "I can't even process that right now,"

I shrugged.

"I'll be back...I-I'm going for a walk." He said, a confused expression on his face.

The codeine from the Tylenol was beginning to kick in and I began to doze off.

"Cacee? Cacee? Are you awake?"

"No," I replied bitterly.

"I need to talk to you,"I slowly opened my eyes to see Gerard sitting in front of me on the bed.

"What about," I asked, cranky that my nap was cut short.

"About earlier, Mikey and I went for a walk and, he wants to help you, I was wrong, you're not hurting him,"

"Yeah," I said, unconvinced.

He moved closer to me. Too close. "Listen, I'm really sorry, let me make it up to you,"

"No, it's fine," I said, my tone still harsh.

"Mikey's so lucky..." he reached over and gently placed his hand on my cheek.

I hit his hand away, "Stop it,"

Some one entered the bus. Mikey's voice floated through the air, "Hey, Cacee, we're going for pizza, you up?" I kicked Gerard in the stomach with my good leg and he doubled over and groaned. I pulled myself out, "I'll be right there."

"Kay," the doors closed.

I turned to Gerard, "Don't ever try to pull that again," I said with disdain, "And you were worried about hurting Mikey? You're so full of it,"

Gerard = hate. How could he do that to his brother and me? If only he knew...

I knew I wouldn't be able to hold down pizza so I didn't eat. "Mikey after dinner I have to get my shit from my car okay?"

"Okay, Kayla's too I suppose." He said. "By the way, I asked my mom and she said you can park your car there,"

I asked my mom, haha "Thanks for everything." I added.

"No problem," he draped his arm on my shoulders. "I don't think you should be alone right now anyway."

If I had a dollar.. "You're probably right." I strained out."Why didn't Gerard come?" Ray asked.

I felt anger overcome my expression, "He was... feeling sick to his stomach." I fibbed.

He nodded, "That sucks."I shrugged, "He'll get over it,"

"Hostile are we?" Frank asked. I noticed him and Kayla were getting really close and Kayla was drinking. Magical."We had a tiff okay?" I replied.

Mikey rolled his eyes, "He didn't apologize did he,"

"No," Okay, Cacee you established the lie. I knew I could keep it going because Gerard wouldn't fess up to what actually happened. "You both share something,"

"What's that?"

"You're stubbornness." I replied, smartly, lifting an eyebrow.

He nodded, "True dat,"

"Oh call I call you gangster Mikey after that?" Bob asked.

"Hells yes bra,"

"You're a loser," I said smiling.

I finally changed into new clothes and let me tell you, NOTHING goes with a cast, even if it is black. I ended up wearing a black skirt and black and white striped top. I washed my face and redid my make-up. I felt much better. But, I had to tell Mikey what actually happened. He had to know. It wasn't fair to keep it from him.

But I got sidetracked when I noticed Kayla hanging off of Frank. I had to say something. I wouldn't let her do it to him to, especially since we were about to embark on a long bus journey and no more people needed to be fighting.

"Kayla can I talk to you?" I asked, yanking her away from Frank. She laughed, "No...I wanna stay with him." She was drunk. Again.

"Why so you can sleep with him once then never talk to him again? Not gonna happen." I let slip. I didn't mean for him to hear, but I wouldn't let her do that to such a good person.

"I wouldn't...do that," she slurred.

I gave up on her and tried to talk Frank out of it. "All she's been doing this whole trip is sleeping with guys so we have a place to sleep. I have money for hotels but she refuses to use it. That's not why I'm here, but I'm sure it's why she is. Be careful,"

He shook his head, "I'm a big boy. I can deal with it. Besides, maybe this is different."

I nodded, "Yes, yes it is because you are in a band and she's had this little schoolgirl crush on you since junior high."

"Okay, I got it. Thanks Cace," he said cynically.

I scoffed. What is up with everyone today? The frustration was showing on my face. I could feel it.

"Want to go for a walk before we head er?" someone asked. I turned around. Ray was standing there smiling at me. I hadn't really talked to him much so what the hell.

I nodded, "As long as you walk slow," I said, "I'm not very speedy with these things,"

"Kay,"

The air was cold. Weather wasn't much different in Jersey than where I was from. "So." I said.

"So...I was told something about you and I wanted to know if it was true." He replied.

"Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow?" I asked.

He laughed, in a sad attempt to lighten the mood. "Did you...um...come on to Gerard?"

My mouth fell open. "Oh is that what he told you?" I asked, "First he makes me out to be a fuck-up and now a slut. Lovely,"

"So I take it it's not true... because due to recent events I'm sure Mikey couldn't handle being cheated on-"

I cut him off, "I. Would never. Ever. Do that."

"Understood,"

"So that's what Gerard told you? Because if you really want to know it was the complete opposite." I stated.

He gave me a look, "Are you dead serious?"

"Yup, so maybe you and him should have this little talk. Okay?" I asked, not trying to be rude.

He nodded, "I'm really sorry,"

"You shouldn't be. It's his fault," I replied. Ray was quite the mediator.

He stopped walking and turned to face me, "You should tell Mikey before Gerard gets to him,"

"Oh shit, you're right,"

I thought of every worst possible situation. I knew what was coming.

I opened the door and climbed the three stairs. Mikey looked up from his book and smiled at me. "Hey how was your walk?"

I let out a sigh of relief, "It was fine," I said, smiling and laughing at the fact that I was so worried. Gerard= hate...not evil.

"That's good," he said. I sat down next to him.

"So when are we leaving?" I asked.

"Right away actually, you need anything before we go?" I sat down next to him.

"I have everything I need..." I paused. "We have to talk though,"

He smiled, "Oh, this soon?" he said, sarcastically.

"Uh... OH! No, not that kind of 'we have to talk,' sorry." That was smooth. "No... I have to tell you something and I don't want you to hear it from anyone else and I want you to hear it the way it actually happened."

He scoffed, "Oh...okay?"

I rearranged myself in my chair. This could be a long talk. "So...someone close to you...betrayed your trust...hardcore."

He laughed, "Good wording, just tell me what happened,"

I wasn't really eager to come right out with it, "Well...Gerard...kind of...hit on me," I started biting my lip so hard I swear it almost started bleeding.

He stared straight ahead, didn't move, nothing. People were moving and talking around us but it was all a blur, and would be until he said something...anything. After an agonizingly silent ten minutes he turned to me, "What...what'd you do?"

I let a laugh slip. "I kicked him,"

He laughed too, "Well, good way to handle it."

I shrugged, "I would never let him do that,"

"I'm glad, ..." he said, still looking uneasy, "I can't lose you...especially to him,"

"What makes you think I would do that?" I asked, "I wouldn't..."

"No it's not you... it's him. I just hate how...as soon as I get something he doesn't have...he wants it." I said, his voice quiet, "It's like, 'oh my god Mikey's happy, we got to fix that',"

I gave him a sympathetic smile. "Well, don't even worry about it. I know how to defend myself. I kicked him did I not?"

He nodded, "I guess so,"

Gerard walked out of the bathroom. I gave him the look of death. Mikey stood up. Oh no. Please don't fight. "Gerard, I think we have to have a...heart to heart." Mikey said.

"Mikey stop it. Please don't fight with him," I said, in an effort to stop this before it started.

"No, it's okay." Gerard said, "He'd never hit me anyway," now it was like he was asking for it.

Frank stepped between them, "Guys what are you doing? Fighting over some girl that either of you barely know."

Ouch.

Now I was: some girl.

"You know what it's not even about that," Mikey protested, "It's Gerard's crazy obsession with making me unhappy. If he would just back the fuck off-"

"What are you talking about?" Gerard asked apparently unaware of his actions.

"You know that you have almost everything, then the second I get something you don't have, you're all over it!" Mikey had anger written all over your face. I watched between my fingers.

"You're right. I was jealous. Okay? Can we drop it?" Gerard pushed past Frank and Mikey and went to brood in his bunk.

Mikey went to walk after him but Frank stopped him, "Just leave him dude," he said quietly.

Their tour manager/driver, who had been staying in a hotel, walked on to the bus, "Okay who's ready to go?" he asked. Everyone was dead silent. I fact if you had dropped a pin, it would have echoed.

"Okay," he said, sitting in the drivers seat. For the next half hour all you heard was the occasional sound of movement and the hum of the engine. I finally had to say something, but of course I whispered, apprehensive to break the silence. "Mikey, I'm really tired. I'm going to go lay down."

"Be careful. Gerard might try to pull something while you're over there,"

"Mikey, please stop, I wanted you to know but I didn't want it to turn into a big thing." I said, still speaking softly.

"It is a big thing. Huge," he replied.

With no way to reply to that I walked away and lay down in Mikey's bunk and stared at the wall. I heard a small "I'm sorry," from behind me. I looked over at Gerard and shook my head. "Nothing you can say or do will make the situation any better so just shut up okay?" I snapped.

"Fine, but I am,"

"You're still talking," I muttered.

"Right,"

*

I woke up and I could see out the bus windows that it was still dark. Mikey had fallen asleep beside me. I kissed him. "Hmm," he groaned.

"I love you," I said into his ear.

"Mmmhmm," he sighed, still half asleep.

I tried to get out without disturbing him, but with awkwardness of a broken ankle I ended up sitting on him and waking him up.

"Sorry!" I said in a scream-whisper.

I shrugged, "Meh," he yawned, "I'm not tired,"

"Yea you are, you can go back to sleep," I said, standing up. He grabbed my hand. I glanced away uncomfortably. I could see what he was looking at. He pulled me down so I was at I level with him. He stared into my eyes, looked into my soul and said it back. "I love you too Cacee." Here I thought he hadn't been listening...

I couldn't help but smile so big it made my cheeks hurt.

"But you have to stop this.." he said, running his hand over my scars, "For me,"

"Mikey, its way more complicated than that. I can't stop for other people. I have to stop for myself and I don't want to stop. It's my coping mechanism. I need it," my voice was starting to gradually increase in volume.

"You don't need it. You want it."

"I need it...trust me,"

"Say it, say 'I need to cut myself and deteriorate what's left of my self-esteem'." He said bluntly.

"What? Why would I say that?" I asked.

"Sounds kind of stupid when you word it like that huh? I really learned in rehab. That was one of the exercises we did."

He was right. Nothing about that statement was logical. "I guess you're right," I said slowly.

"Yeah, well, been there. Done that," he cracked a smile, "I told you I want to help you,"

"I'm gonna go sit for a while," I said, standing up, "Get some more sleep and we'll talk in the morning, okay?"

"You mean later this morning?" he asked, glancing at the digital clock on his shelf. It was 2am.

"Yeah, that," I said, limping to the recliner. I leaned back, closed and tried to clear my head. Then someone sat next to me. I opened my eyes. Upon seeing Gerard next to me, I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him.

He leaned back too, "Cacee, we have to have a serious talk.""What is it with everybody and talking. Heard of silence?" I asked cynically.

"Yes, but this is serious. We can't be mad at each other forever, you being my brothers girlfriend and all,"

"Sure we can,"

"I just want to talk about what happened,"

"And I just want to relax," I snapped.

"Fuck, I need a drink." I snapped into a sitting position. My eyes widened, my jaw dropped. "What did you just say?" I asked. If there was one thing I knew about Gerard, it was that he was an alcoholic."You heard me. I. Need. A drink," he repeated.

"So, because of me, your going to toss two sober-tastic years down the drain?" I asked.

"No, because of me. I fucked up, and you wanna know what makes it all go away? Al-co-hol." He said with disdain.

"Okay, so for every drink you have, I'll slit my wrists! It'll be a drunken bloody party!" Yes, drastic times called for drastic measures. I used my problem as a threat.

He stared at me, wide-eyed, "Did you just say that?" he asked.

"Yes. I did,"

"Why do you care anyway?"

"Because I just do okay?"

"No, tell me why,"

"No, it doesn't matter," I stated, "I just do,"

"Oookay," he said, shaking his head.

"Know what I wanna know?" I asked.

"Oh, now we are in the mood for talking,"

"Why me...of all people."

He stumbled over his words, "Because, I dunno, you're really pretty and funny and you have this vulnerability about you... it makes me feel like I have to help you," he explained.

"Okay first things first," I motioned to my face, "This? Is not pretty. Secondly, everyone here feels like they have to help me, so join their club,"

He made an imitation of my hand gesture, "You? Are crazy."

I rolled my eyes, "Well what you said changes nothing and gives you no excuse for what you did."

"I know that," he said, standing up, "But I thought you should at least know."

After he left I buried my face in my hands. I couldn't feel this way... Stupid Gerard. Stupid me. Stupid everything. I should have stayed in Camrose and wasted my time working some dead end job for the rest of my life. Then none of this would've happened.

Tears started falling down my cheeks. Someone knelt down in front of me and wrapped their arms around me. At that point I didn't care who it was. I rested my head on their shoulder and sobbed.

"Cacee, I didn't mean to make you upset," Gerard's voice drifted into my ear.

"It's not you." I sobbed, "It's me...it's my own stupid shit."

"It's okay..." he said.I pulled away. "I have to use the washroom, excuse me."

"No, Cacee."

"I have to pee get out of my way," I lied.

"I'm not stupid, you can't keep doing this to yourself. It's not fair to anybody."

"I don't care what's fair, just let me go," I wiped away my tears and stood up.

He stood in front of me. "No. You're not going anywhere."

I started crying again, "Please move,"

"No," he said shaking his head.

I tried to push him but he just held me there. I started hitting his chest with my fists, "No, stop it," I sobbed, "I hate you...get off of me,"

"Shh... its okay."

I pushed him, finally hard enough to get him away. "Stop babying me,"

"I'm not, I'm trying to help,"

"Well you're not okay? Everything is your fault and there is nothing you can do to make me feel better. But I can me make me feel better so just let me go," I said, my face getting warm.

"No,"I tried to move but he blocked my way,

"I'm not going to dance with you, okay? This is stupid,"

"You're right, it is stupid. So don't do it,"

"I'm not afraid to do it right in front of you," I threatened.

"I wouldn't let you,"

"You wouldn't have a choice. Get. Out. Of my. Way,"

"What's going on?" Frank yelled, stumbling out of his bunk. I flopped down on the chair, defeated. "Nothing," Gerard said, "It's fine,"

"Whatever dude," Frank said, flicking on the TV for 3am video games.

I stood up, no way was I losing this one. Thank god for Frank. "I have to use the facilities," I said, smirking at Gerard. What could he say in front of Frank? Pretty much nothing. "Back in a jiff,"

Gerard hit his head purposely against the wall. He had lost.

*

There was a loud pound at the bathroom door. "Open up Cacee." Franks muffled voice cam through the door. I wasn't too concerned. The door was locked. I swiped the blade over my wrist again and again. Bright red blood rushed to the surface. "I'll be out in a minute!" I yelled, my voice cracking. I moved up my arms and to the other wrist. Whatever it took to make everything go away. I sank to the floor and closed my eyes, letting my arms hang loosely by my sides. A smiled smile crept onto my face.

" Cacee please open up," They had woken up Mikey. The smile quickly faded and I tried to clean myself up.

"I'll be right out...I'm not feeling good." I fibbed. I pulled my sleeves down and put my thumbs through the holes I had cut out myself. No slip ups this time. I opened the door. Mikey, Gerard and Frank stood in front of me. I stared like a deer caught in headlights. "What?" I asked. My arms throbbed, "If you really have to know I was throwing up, I told you I wasn't feeling good." I pushed past them and limped to the couch.

They all gave each other looks. Mikey approached me first. "Cacee?"

"Hmm?" I responded, trying not to look at him. He tried to hold my hand but I pulled away and folded my arms across my chest. I tried not to cry. I couldn't cry.

"I think..." he started.

I pulled at my cross necklace that I never removed. "What?"

"I think...you need help. And you don't want it from me so..."

"You think I should see a therapist." I tried to finish.

"I think you have to figure out what's causing all this pain you have pent up inside you-"

"I don't need to see a shrink." I said, "Besides, I already know."

"Well then, you need help dealing with it or something,"

"No, I'm just fine. Don't even worry about it."

"I am worried. Everyone is,"

I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks, "Don't be... I'm fine,"

Gerard violently grabbed my hand and pulled up my sleeve. "This isn't fine Cacee!"

Mikey and Frank were taken back, not anticipating what they saw. Gerard looked down. He was shocked expecting one, maybe two new wounds, not almost twenty.

I pulled my sleeve back down. Feelings of shame and humility swirled around in my head. I needed to get out of there. I stood up. "I'm getting off in New York," I said with a shaky voice, "I can't stay here."

Mikey wrapped his arms around me. More tears spilled out onto my cheeks. "I'm not leaving you alone. I can't,"

"No," I sobbed, "You don't need to be around someone like me. I'm just stressful to you. I know you don't need that."

"Yes I do, I need you. Here. Please don't go." He said, squeezing me tighter.

"You don't want me here. Nobody wants me. I got kicked out of my house. Okay? I didn't leave. My mother couldn't deal with me anymore so she kicked me out. I stayed with my boyfriend for a while but he got fed up too. The same thing will happen here I just want to fix it while I can."

"That would never happen." He assured me.

"That's what he said too."

"Am I him?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

"Cacee. Just relax okay? You have to let us help and everything will be okay. He pulled me into another hug.

I nodded, "Okay,"

*

2 days "clean" I had no idea that a cutter could into withdrawal.

We got to New York and were parked for the time being. I went to all their shows, Mikey insisted because he didn't want to leave me alone. He kept me busy the rest of the time. We played video games, watched movies and talked a lot. Gerard and I talked a lot too. I tried to act happy most of the time. Sometimes I actually was. That's a huge step in the right direction.

Gerard came and sat down next to me while I was coloring my nails with a highlighter. Why? Something to do.

"Me next," he said jokingly.

I laughed, "Okay!" I grabbed his hand and started carefully coloring his too.

"Where's Mikey?" he asked.

"Getting food. Japanese I think. It's really a wonder you don't all weight six hundred pounds." I said.

"Notice we only eat like one meal a day?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess," I looked up from his hand and out eyes met. My heart started racing. What. The Hell. Was happening.

He smiled that smile that just killed me. "Thanks they look great," he joked.

I laughed, "Thanks, I'm quite the nail colorer I am."

He nodded, "So where's everyone else?"

"Frank and Kayla went for a walk, gag, Ray went with Mikey and Bob's out and about. I mean...it's Bob."

"I guess,"

I moved to coloring my toenails. "So tell me a story," I said.

"Hmm...okay. Once upon a time there was this guy. No let's make him a prince. And princey was a cool guy," I laughed, "But he had a deep dark secret."

"Le gasp!! Go on!!" I said.

"He was head over heels for the forbidden princess. And why was she forbidden you ask? Because she was in love with another prince, and they were to become king and queen of all the land."

I stared down at my highlighter blue toes, "Go on."

"But he could not fight his feelings any longer. All he wanted was one kiss-"

The bus door slid open. "Who wants sushi??" Mikey asked, holding up two bags of food. "Oooh. Me!!" I said hopping up from my chair. Frank and Kayla walked in, soon followed by Bob and everyone gathered at the table for four o'clock dinner.

"So I see you colored while I was gone." Mikey said, holding my fingers and looking at my nails.

"Yup, I did Gee's too," I said proudly. Gerard showed Mikey his pink nails. "Kind of feminine but still cool just the same." I said.

"Very nice." Mikey said, planting a kiss on my cheek. I noticed that Gerard maybe said two words all through out dinner.

"Want to go for a stroll?" I asked Gerard after the Styrofoam take-out boxes were all cleaned up. He nodded, "Sure," he said, standing up.

"So you never got to finish your story." I said.

He laughed nervously. "I don't even remember it,"

"Too bad. I was really getting into it."

He was silent for a minute, "I remember that the prince wanted...to kiss the princess," he said slowly moving closer to me.

"Sorry princey, remember? The princess is taken?"

He shrugged, "It's my story, I can change it,"

"Gerard stop it," I said, turning around to walk back. I couldn't let him do this. It didn't matter how I felt, that wasn't the point. I had to think about Mikey.

"Cacee wait...I'm sorry."

"No you're not. Just leave me alone"

"Fine." He said, storming off.

Shit, I need a cigarette. Someone on the bus had to have one. Three smoke free years down the drain. But I needed a vice. I opened the door and stood on the first stair. "Frank do you have a smoke I can bum off you?" he looked up from his magazine and gave me a weird look.

"Sure..."

Kayla rolled her eyes. We weren't on speaking terms. "How pathetic." She mumbled, knowing I had quit so long ago.

Frank shot her a look, "What?" he asked.

"I said, 'How. Pathetic'." She repeated.

"She's doing the best she can, and I'm sure that it doesn't help when the person who is supposed to be her friend doesn't have her back." He snapped. He shook his head, disgust in his eyes. "I'll come with you Cacee," he said, following me outside.

I lit the smoke and took a long drag. I remained silent and uncomfortable while Frank lit his too. He looked at me, "You're welcome,"

"Oh, sorry, thanks."

"Yeah well...you were right about her." He said,

"Sorry I didn't listen,"

I shrugged, "You were bound to find out either way, so I shouldn't have interfered."

"I'm glad you did."

"If you want her off the bus...I can do something about it," I said.

"It's up to you, I'm thinking two females on the bus is one too many..."

I smiled, "Yeah...thanks for this," I said, taking another drag. "I quit like forever ago...but a need a vice of some sort."

"I know what you mean..." he looked like he was thinking about how to word what he wanted to say.

"Just say it,"

"Okay... what did it... do for you...?"

"Depends... sometimes I just felt dead so I'd do it just to bleed... then other times when I was upset...it kind of focused the pain elsewhere, so if only for that second, I didn't have to think about anything." I explained.

"Oh,"

"Yeah, I'm one fucked-up cookie." I said sarcastically.

"No you're not."

"Gee, thanks."

He smiled, "No problem." He butted his smoke, "You ready to go back in? It's cold out here,"

I nodded and butted mine as well. I pulled Frank into a friendly hug, "Thanks...for the talk and the smoke."

"You can always talk to Franky,"

I laughed, "I'll keep that in mind Franky,"

*

"Where'd Gerard go?" Ray asked me when I got back.

"He's sulking," I replied.

"Kayla, can we go talk?" Frank asked her, as he lead her to the back. Uh oh.

"Why's he sulking?" Mikey inquired.

"Because he's being stupid." I replied bluntly.

He laughed, "Awesome,"

"No really, what happened," Ray asked, seriousness smothering his tone.

"He's a jerk that's what happened. I said rudely.

Before Ray could reply we heard inaudible screaming coming form the back, followed by an angry Kayla storming out with all her stuff. Frank did not follow her.

"Good riddance to bad rubbish," I said.

"Well aren't you just a ball of sunshine and happiness today!" Ray said.

I smiled, "Aren't I always."

Ray shook his head and dismissed my bad attitude so he could go read his magazine.

"Hey Cace, since when do you smoke?" Mikey asked me.

"Ahem, why?" Please don't be one of those people against it.

"I've been a closet smoker for a year now," he whispered.

"Awa, really? Well, then you can do it when we go for walks and that," I replied, smiling. This was weird, actually happy for a long period of time. All very new to me.

He laughed, "Yeah I guess so hey?"

Mikey leaned over and gently kissed me. "I'm really glad you're here, Cacee,"

"I'm really glad I'm here too,"

*

That night after everyone was asleep I heard someone stumble in and trip followed by a loud, "OW! FUCK!!" Since I was awake and on the outside (and I didn't have to sit on poor Mikey to get out) I got up and walked forward to see Gerard on the floor giggling like a little girl."Gee! Where the fuck did you go?" I shout whispered, trying to get him to sit up. He looked up at me. I could see it in his eyes. He was drunk.

"Don't be mad," he slurred, "I love you,"I sat on the floor and began to sob.

"Why would you..." I trailed off, my voice overwhelmed by tears and pain.

"I love you Cacee," he said, slowly sitting up. He tried to wipe my tears away, but I pushed his hand off of my face.

"You don't. You can't. And even if you did...you wouldn't have done this," I managed to get through without breaking down.

"I only did it 'cause I'm a fuck up and I'm pathetic. I'm in love with my brother's girl. That's...that's Jerry Springer shit,"

"You're not in love with me," I protested, "You just think you are. I dunno why one guy is 'in love with me', let alone two. You can do better. Mikey can do better, I'm nothing."

"You're everything," he said, pressing his lips on mine.

I shoved him away. "Gee, you're drunk. Go to bed."

"Nuh-uh. Not unless you are coming with me." He said, pulling my arm damn near out of it's socket.

"Go fuck yourself," I said, louder than I had planned to.

"Nah, two is better than one," he sang, pulling me up.

"Gerard stop it!" he kept pulling me. Finally he let go, only to shove me onto the sofa.

"Shut the fuck up!!" Bob yelled from the back, apparently awoken by my scream for help.

As Gerard moved closer to me I cried harder and harder. "Please stop... please."

Mikey stumbled out of bed, "Gerard! What the fuck are you doing?!?" he yelled, pulling him away. Gerard fell to the floor and into unconsciousness.

Mikey rushed over to me, "Are you all right? Did he hurt you?"

"I couldn't do anything. Again. I f it weren't for you, it would've happened. Again." I sobbed, staring straight ahead.

"What would've happened again?" he asked, pushing my hair off of my forehead. I could feel cold sweat dripping down my neck.

"A drunken idiot was going to take advantage of me...and I was going to let it happen." I said quietly.

"When did it happen the first time?" he asked, pulling me into his arms and kissing the top of my head.

"A year ago...my boyfriend had told me he was going to quit weed for me...but he lied and we went to a party where he got completely ripped..." I trailed off. "It was horrible,"

"It's okay. As long as I'm here, no one can touch you," he said into my ear. He poked Gerard with his shoe. "Especially this dickwad."

I smiled through tears, "How much longer are we on this stupid bus for anyway?" I asked."One more stop then we're home for three months." He told me.

"I should start to look for a job and a place in...Queens?"

"Yeah," he replied, "But why do you need either?"

"Because, I'm not so much the moocher type. Do you know how much I did not want to stay here at first?"

"Yeah... but I made it all better for you didn't I,"

"Yeah..."

"Well a job, maybe but my home is your home." He said, squeezing me.

I sighed sarcastically, "Fine,"

*

I fell asleep In Mikey's arms on the couch that night. Ever been awoken by the sounds of puking? I have. I almost got sick myself. I blinked open my eyes and twisted up my face in disgust. "You're cleaning that up," I spat.

He grunted and pulled himself to a sitting position. "I feel, *hic* better,"

"I'm glad," I said, monotone, "Now get in the fucking bathroom before you make an even bigger mess," I said, trying to get back asleep.

"Cacee?"

"What?"

"I may be stupid when I'm drunk, but I don't bullshit. I love you,"

"Shut up,"

He scoffed and proceeded to the restroom. I snuggled closer to Mikey. His body heat alone was keeping my warm. I felt I fit perfectly, like a puzzle piece, right there next to him. But a part inside me felt awfully cold... What was wrong with me? Mikey was amazing; he truly cared about me, my problems and not just the fact that I was something he could have sex with. Why did I feel like I was missing something? If only I could get away for one second, I would do it. Why? Because I'm a selfish addict, that's why. Gerard traipsed back into the lounge and started cleaning. He went into the bathroom to wash his hand, then flopped into the recliner. He rubbed his head in what I'm sure was immense headache pain.

"What's up?" he inquired.

"Nothing."

"Want to go for a walk??"

"Not with you," I snapped, "Because of you I pretty much want to kill myself."

He shook his head, "Don't do that,"

"Well? What's gone that hasn't been your fault?" I asked.

"How is it my fault you cut?" he asked, evidently confused.

"It just is, its all your fault." I repeated.

"Well here's an idea. I will go stand in the middle of the freeway then everyone's problems will be solved!" he yelled, storming out of the bus.

He didn't pause so I followed him in a sad attempt to turn things around. After hobbling behind him into an unfamiliar area for ten minutes I caught up to him and stopped him. I was so fucking lost; I wouldn't have been able to go back alone anyway.

"Would you slow down?"

"Why? So you can continue to tell me how horrible I'm making things for you? I don't want to hear it," he said, trying to walk away.

I grabbed his wrist "No. So I could do this," I said, pulling him into an intense kiss so filled with passion, it flowed through me, to my heart and it broke in half.

When we finally parted, he looked at me, extremely caught off guard. "Uh.."

"Gee I've had a thing for you for a long time, almost right from the start. But we can't let him find out. I can't lose him." I whispered, even though we were far from earshot range of the bus.

He smiled, "Me neither,"

"Too late," I heard from behind me. I turned around to see Mikey slowly walking towards us. What had I done? I immediately broke down, crying so hard I collapsed. He slowly walked closer. I could see pain fill his eyes...his entire expression. His heart broke right in front of my eyes. And it was my fault. I tried to say something but nothing came out but more tears, everything I had falling with them to the ground.

"Mikey," Gerard said for me. "It was all a stupid heat of the moment thing. Cacee was just trying to do what she thought I wanted.""No she wasn't Gerard I'm not stupid."

I watched through blurred vision, continuing to bawl. I reached for his hand.

He pulled away, "Don't fucking touch me." He said, directing his eyes, now angry, toward me, "I did everything I could to help you and you don't even care."

"Yes I do." I managed to get out.

"And Cacee? I never meant it. I only said it because you said it first. I don't love you."

I accepted that, "Who would?"

"Him," he said, gesturing to Gerard.

"No-"

"You guys, stop it. Mikey-"

"What? You know what? Don't even talk to me. I've had it with you; I've had it with everything. I'm out, for good." He said, "As for you Cace, hope you have a wonderful life with him. He probably does love you. You guys are perfect for each other. Both pathetic."

I watched him walk away, out of my life. What had I done?

"Gerard go after him, please."

"There's nothing that I can say...or do."

"Then can you take me back so I can try to call him?"

He nodded, "Sure, but I doubt he'll pick up,"

*

I searched through my duffel bag found the bottle and bolted into the bathroom. There was only one way to fix this. After calling him about seventy times in a row with no answer, I gave up and came up with the perfect solution; my prescribed sleeping pills.

I had only taken them about once since I had left town, so a near full bottle was left. I prayed that it kill me, because if it didn't it would do lots of serious damage.I dry swallowed handful after handful, eventually washing it down with Euphoria, hoping the mixture would make it work faster. After staring at my hollow eyes in the mirror, I decided that I was already close enough to dead as I was going to get. It wouldn't be much of a change at all. I stumbled to Mikey's bunk and lay down, hopefully forever.

*

The next few hours were hazy; Gerard kept talking to me. I would wake up, talk to him and go right back into a deep sleep, not even remembering what he said. The next time I woke up was not in the bus, and not to talk to Gerard.

"Cacee, you have to stay with me. How many pills did you take?" someone asked me.

"What?"

"How many?"

"I unno...bottle was full,"

He mumbled something to someone else that was standing beside me. We were moving. The place I was in was well lit, white...

"Cacee are you still with me?" he asked.

"No,"

"You have to stay with me. You are on your way to the er..."

I fell back asleep.

"Cacee!"

"What?!"

"You overdosed."

"That was the plan,"

"Unfortunately we can't give you anything, because there is too much alcohol in your system. Your blood is too thin,"

"Let me die,"

"I will not do that,"

"Really... that's what I want. Just..."

The next thing I clearly remember was waking up and being able to keep my eyes open for longer than ten minutes. Mikey was sitting in the chair beside me, his face cradled in his hands. He hadn't seen me so I closed my eyes again. I could hear everything, could feel nothing, and was lying in a hospital bed full of regret.

Gerard walked in, "Oh... I'll leave." He said, apparently conflicted with Mikey's presence.

"No stay,"

"Has she woken up yet?"

"No,"

"Has she talked to you at all?"

"I got a bit out of her, not much...the doctor said it'll take months for everything to get out of her system."

"Yeah,"

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do. All the shit I said to her... it's my fault she is laying here right now."

"Don't say that, no it's not,"

I wanted to turn away so they wouldn't see that I was crying but I couldn't move.

"Cacee? Are you awake?"

I shook my head, being that's all I could do. Someone's hand wiped my eyes. More people entered the room.

"Is she awake?" I heard Frank ask. I had not yet opened my eyes.

"She is but she won't talk to us."

"Cacee, why are you crying?" Frank asked.

I couldn't respond, I felt myself falling asleep again. I used everything left in me to stay awake.

"You still there baby?" Mikey asked.

"Baby?" I replied.

"Good, you're awake." Gerard said, "Can you open your eyes?"

"I don't want to, and it hurts to keep them open,"

"Do you want us to give you guys some privacy?" Frank asked.

"No," I said, not wanting to face Mikey alone yet, "Stay,"

"You'll get tired faster though, we can all come visit you later," He suggested.

"No, I'm fine,"

"Obviously not." Ray who was evidently there said."Shut up. You don't know-"

"Cacee, it's okay." Mikey said, interlacing his fingers with mine, "Just be calm, maybe you will be able to talk longer,"

"I don't want to talk...I want to listen to you guys. Just talk to me okay?"

"Okay,"

*

There was always someone with me, even when I was asleep. They talked to me and told me funny stories, mostly about times they got injured; those made me smile the most.

Mikey on the other hand; he would sit beside me, telling me how sorry he was, playing the blame game and that. I hated it. It was my doing, no one else's. I couldn't listen to him without crying. We weren't alone too much though; visitors came in and out, as did doctors and nurses. He was always quiet around them.

One day, I wasn't sure when having lost track of the days passed, the doctor walked in and asked everyone to leave."Why?" Gerard protested.

"Because Miss. Reynolds needs a break-"

"Fuck that, she wants us here," Frank yelled.

"I realize that but she needs to sleep and stop fighting the drugs."

"She does sleep, why does it matter if we want to stay?" Mikey asked.

"Because most likely she is waking up a lot when you are here. Please go.""I want them to stay," I said in a hoarse voice.

"We know you do Cace," Gerard said, "It's going to be all right. We're staying."

"No you are not. I do not want to have to remove you by force." He said, anger showing slightly behind his calm voice.

"Can one person stay tonight?" I asked.

"I'm sorry Miss. Reynolds. You really need to rest.""I've rested enough asshole, Let them stay." I said, raising my voice as much as my sore throat would allow.

"No Cacee, he's right." Ray said, "We'll go and come back tomorrow."

"Thank you," the doctor said. After everyone left he sat down in the chair next to my bed. "Miss. Reynolds I think you should know that we have decided to keep you here for a while. After you are able to move and keep your food down we are going to transfer you to the psychiatry ward-"

"What the fuck? I'm not going in a fucking nuthouse." I exclaimed.

"I think it would be best to keep you here and treat you for depression. It is a three week treatment, and after that you will be assessed by another doctor who will then decide whether to keep you, send you to another facility, or send you home."

"I'm not depressed."

"Attempted suicide is a serious sign of depression." He stated. Stupid know-it-all.

"No, pretty sure my attempt at suicide was me, wanting to die because I messed everything up, not 'cause I was depressed. You really shoulda let me die."

"That's not what they pay me for. Get some rest. Your friends will be back tomorrow and it will seem faster if you sleep,"

"Asshole," I said as he was walking out. He dismissed that and hurried away.

After tossing and turning for an hour I finally fell asleep

*

"Cacee?" A familiar voice called. I woke up and opened my eyes slowly. After my vision focused I saw my best friend in the whole wide world, Dallas, standing in front of me. I couldn't say anything I was so shocked and confused. All I managed to get out was, "What the hell?"

"Didjya miss me?" he asked.

"Heck yes I did. How did you find out about this?"

"Your friends told me you said something about 'Dallas' when you were half asleep so they hacked your phone and called me." He explained.

"How did you get out here?"

"That was them too," he replied, "I told them I'd die to come see you but had no way to get out here, so they flew me out."

"Awa, well come here and give me a hug then," He smiled and wrapped his arms tightly around me. I loved that he didn't treat me like a crazy person. Everyone else was doing a good job of that. He hadn't changed at all. The same black hair fell into the same kind hazel-y amethyst eyes. He smiled that same smile that always cheered me up, and even smelled the same as the last time I saw him.

"So what's all this about hun?" he asked, lightly.

"Just me being my stupid self," I replied, "Same old, same old."

"You stopped taking you're a.d.'s again?" by a.d.'s he meant antidepressants."Well...yeah but that's not even part of it,"

"What happened then?"

"Lot's of stuff Dal, I don't want to talk about it." I said. Mikey walked in.

"Surprised??" he asked.

I nodded, starting to get tired again.

"He's cute," Dallas mouthed to me.

I rolled my eyes, "Down Dallas, down," I said.

"What? He yours?" He asked.

I remained silent and awkward. "Yeah I'm hers," Mikey said, "Why?"

I gave Dallas a questioning look, "Dallas here just...thought you were cute,"

Dallas looked up at Mikey and nodded quickly.

He looked caught off guard for a minute, and then shrugged, "Rockin."

"Well I'm gonna go get some food." Dallas said, standing up. "You want anything Cace?"

"No thanks," I replied, "See you later,"

"I love you Cacee," he sang.

"I love you Dallas." I said in the same tone.

After he left Mikey sullenly sat down and pulled the chair up closer to the bed.

"Mikey, I have to tell you...I don't want you to be guilted back into this, that's not fair."

"I'm not. What you did just made me realize some stuff." He said.

"Like what?"

"Like how important you are to me." He cleared his throat, "I didn't mean what I said."

"Well I didn't mean to fuck everything up either but I did," I said, "It still happened."

"Yeah. I just want to forget about it. Once you're better we can kind of start over, y'know?"

I looked into his eyes. I could still see hurt behind them. There was a sadness in his face, even when he was smiling. "Yeah, I want to forget too,"

*

"Where'd your friend go?" Gerard asked, poking his head in my doorway. I had been alone for the last while, just staring out the window at the view of the busy street outside. I looked over.

"Dal? Oh, he's around," I sighed, "I really appreciate that you brought him out here. I can't thank you enough,"

"Not a problem at all." he assured me, "And if you want anyone else out here, or just want them to know, we'll call them,"

"No, I don't want anyone but you guys and Dal to know. He's my best friend and he won't go back to Camrose and spread it around. He knows how people there are; judgmental. We he came out...every adult and person that didn't know him, completely shunned him."

"That's rough,"

"Yeah, and if I ever did decide to go back, I wouldn't want to deal with it." I said.

He pushed my tangled hair of my forehead. "You never have to go back, I promise."

Wake up at six. Eat breakfast. Sessions till noon. Eat lunch. More sessions till five. Eat supper. Visitors till nine.

This was my life for three weeks.

Assertiveness sessions. Self Esteem sessions. Addiction sessions. So many god damn sessions, I wanted to drown myself, but you couldn't do that, they only had showers and you had to keep pressing a button to get more water. Drowning was not an option. After one week I was ready to puke up happy pills. This was a sick place. If you so much as frowned, a nurse would pop out of no where and tel you to cheer up. I fought it, and behaved. If I did that, I could go home.

The worst thing was, the pills had fucked me up so bad, I couldn't remember shit from one day to the next. Dallas went home one day, and the next I asked why he hadn't come with the guys. I asked them where he was everyday for three days.

I wasn't tired as much anymore but when I had too many people around, I found it exhausting to keep up with their conversations. And when I slept, I slept. Nothing woke me up.

My assessment date was set. Not like I would remember anyway.

"Cacee Reynolds to the front desk please," squealed onto the intercom.

I crutched up to the desk. Yes. Assessment date equals cast off. Wewt "Yes?"

"Dr. Cloarec will see you now. He is ready for your assessment," Bethany, as she had come to be known, told me that day.

I smiled, "How are my chances Beth?" I asked.

She laughed, "If it were up to me, you'd be packing, but it's not Cacee,"

"Well that's always good to know. Thanks," I walked into the office next to the front desk and sat down in front of a cherry oak desk.

Dr. Cloarec was very busy. This was actually the first time I had spoken with him in three weeks. He was scribbling on some papers. He looked at me, "Ah, Miss Reynolds. Your assessment. Let's see." he looked over a different set of papers. "Takes medication with no complaint, cheerful, well behaved... all very good...Hmm,"

I sighed.

"Cacee, what have you learned here?"

I cleared my throat. I didn't remember anything I had learned, and if I had, I probably wouldn't have believed it."Well...I've learned that I'm worth something."

"Mmmhmm,"

Improv, Cace, improv. Grade nine drama. "I'm a good person, the addiction wasn't the problem, my situation and the things I had to deal with were the problem. My low self esteem drove me to hurt myself. But I know now that I'm better than that."

"Are you ready to go home Cacee?" he asked.

"However much I love it here, yes I'm ready." Filthy Liar.

"Well pack then," he said smiling, "Treatment has served you good. You are ready,"

"Thank you so much,"

"Oh, and I also made you an appointment to get your cast removed. You'll be going home healed in more ways than one,"

No, only one way. I hadn't changed. I heard Hollywood calling. I'd like to thank the academy, *sob*. Kill me.

I forced a smile and nodded.

I asked Bethany if I could use the phone. She slid it over to me. Who to call...Mikey...no. Gee- no. Frank was in Jersey with his new girlfriend...Ray didn't like me very much, he resented me for everything I did to Mikey...and I never talked to Bob. He always came to visit me though, which was nice. It would have to be Mikey.

I dialed his number.

"Hello?"

"Hey,"

"Hi Cacee! How'd it go?"

"What?"

"Your assessment,"

"How did you know that was today?"

"You told me yesterday."

"Oh, well I'm packing so I guess it went good."

He was silent for a bit, "Really?"

"Yeah. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just really happy. You have no idea how much I miss you,"

"You see me every day," I think

"Yeah, but I miss having you here at night. Are you excited to move into my place?"

"Mikey...do...you really-"

"Yes I really think it's a good idea. I tell you that everyday."

"I don't remember anything. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'll come and get you in a bit,"

"How long,"

"As long as it takes me to drive there okay baby?"

"Baby?" "Yeah. You're my baby."

I probably could have died on the spot. "Okay. I love you Mikey,"

"I love you too,"

I hung up the phone. How he could still love me after all of the shit I did was beyond me.

I went to my room and started gathering all the stuff I had accumulated over the three weeks. A bunch of magazines, three teddy bears, chocolates that I knew I'd never eat.

A new nurse popped her head in the door. "You have a visitor Cacee." It couldn't be Mikey, unless he miraculously learned how to fly while I was gone. I crutched outside to see Gerard sitting in the visitors room. "Gerard? What are you doing here?"

He looked over and smiled, "I was just coming to visit and Beth told me that you were coming home today. I can take you if you want."

"I already called Mikey."

"Oh...well I got you something,"

"Ugh, more? I barely have room in my bag for my clothes."

"This doesn't take up much room," he dug around in his jacket pocket and pulled out a little blue suede box.

"You're asking me to marry you?" I asked sarcastically as he handed me the box.

"No. Just open it,"

I set it down on the coffee table, "No, whatever it is I can't except it."

"How do you know?"

I sighed and flipped up the top of the box. Jewelry. I knew it. It was beautiful, a white gold cross with diamonds on the four corners and on the middle on a white gold chain.

"Gee I-"

"I noticed you lost yours,"

I reached up at my neck, he was right, it was gone. How hadn't I noticed?

I close the box and shoved it back at him, "I can't..."

"Just take it Cacee."

"No...I just... that one had...sentimental value."

"This one can too. Take it."

I swallowed that lump in my throat, the one that always formed when I was about to cry. I took the box and shoved it in my pocket.

"Aren't you going to put it on?" he asked.

"No...I have to...go pack." "Well let me help you." he said, standing up with me.

"You're not allowed in my room,"

"Oh, well can packing wait I want to talk to you,"

"No...Mikey will be here soon. You should go. I'll talk to you later." I said, walking to my room. I choked back my tears and continued packing.

*

Mikey walked into my room, which I thought wasn't allowed. Evidently it is when you are leaving. Something Gerard would never know.

"Hey baby, you done packing?"

Baby. I died.

I cleared my throat, "Yup all done,"

"The front desk girl told me to take you to emergency to get your cast off."

"Okay,"

He grabbed my bag, "Let's go,"

"Bye Beth," I said as I walked out. She acknowledged me with a smile.

The cast removal was cake. I could not wait to get to Mikey's and have a hot shower. Something I hadn't had in a while.

The ride home I was rather quiet. "You okay?"

"Yeah,"

"Hey, um, Gerard kinda lives like, right down the hall from me."

"That's fine,"

"But, you know, we're cool."

"Good to hear,"

"Seriously, Cacee, you should be happy. You're home. For good,"

I sighed, "Oh I know, it's just... I lost my necklace."

"That cross one?" he asked.

"Yeah,"

"No I have it,"

"You do?" I asked, "Really?"

He smiled, "Yeah, you left it on the bus,"

I didn't remember taking it off, but then again I didn't remember much, "Oh my god, I was freaking out,"

"Why? It's like a ten dollar necklace, we could have replaced it,"

I scoffed, "Not even kinda. My dad gave that to me, the last time I saw him,"

He parked the car and turned to me, "What do you mean 'the last time you saw him'?"

I took a deep breath, "He gave it to me when I was like seven. Before he left. I always kept in my jewelry box until about three years ago when he wrote me. Then I wore it. I hold on to it when I wish I had him with me,"

"You never went to find him?" he asked.

"He died, last year." I said, quietly.

"Oh, I'm sorry,"

"It's not your fault. Come on, I wanna see your place."

He got out of the car, "You mean our place?"

"Your place," I said, "It's not mine,"

His chest rose and fell in a long sigh, "I hope you soon change your mind, Cace,"

He lead me inside the brick building, and though my leg was healed, it was still feeling tight, so we used the elevator. When the elevator doors opened he took me down the hallway to room 610. Al I can say is interior designer much? Everything matched perfectly. It looked like a show home, but still had that homey feeling that most lacked.

I looked around and smiled. I hoped and prayed that nothing would "set me off", god forbid I be chucked back in the looney bin. If anything did, I'd have to be way more sneaky.

"So is it ours yet?"

I looked over at him, "I guess so,"

Just over a month ago, who would've known I'd be standing in this apartment, with this boy beside me. Certainly not me.

"Good, come here, check out the view," he grabbed my hand and pulled me too the balcony. It was of the buildings across the street.

I laughed and rolled my eyes, "You suck," I said, hitting him lightly in the stomach.

"I thought you'd like that," he stood behind me, wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Cacee, you're home,"

*

We ordered in dinner (shocker I know) but I wasn't very hungry so I just picked at my fried rice.

I could feel that Mikey was studying me, but I stared at a my plate.

He cleared his throat, "Cacee?"

I put my feet up on the chair and put my arms around my knees, still not looking at him, "Hmm?"

"I thought you'd be happier." I said nothing. "Is something wrong? Don't you like it here?" Again I was quiet. I loved it there sure, but I shouldn't have been there. "Cacee, are you still worried about this not being fair or something?"

I finally looked up, "No I'm fine. I'm just tired...it was a...long day."

"Oh. I see,"

"Did you bring my bag from the bus?" I asked, having only taken necessities to the hospital.

He nodded, "It's in our bedroom,"

Ours.

"Okay thanks. I'm just gonna get into my pj's, if that's okay," I said, getting up and putting my dishes in the dishwasher.

"Kay, want to rent some movies or something?" he asked, doing the same.

"Sure," I sighed, wandering down the hall to the master bedroom. My black duffel bag was set neatly in the corner. After I had everything I needed and went into the attached bathroom to take that hot shower I had been so desperately wanting.

Right before I stepped into the shower there was a knock at the door. "Yeah?"

"I'm just gonna run to Blockbuster for a minute. Gerard is in the living room. I'll be back." he said, his voice slightly muffled through the door.

I felt like asking why Gee was there, but I had a feeling I wouldn't have liked the answer. "Okay...I love you,"

"I love you too,"

After my shower I walked into the living room. Mikey wasn't back yet, I hadn't expected him to be, but I didn't particularly want to face the person who was there instead.

"You're still not wearing it."

I set the blue box down in front of him. "I can't take this from you. Besides, Mikey found mine so..."

"Cacee-"

"Why are you here anyway?" I asked, rather rudely.

He shrugged, "Mikey asked me to come over while he was gone," he said, "I suspect he didn't want you to be alone."

The answer I had been dreading before.

"Oh really. He doesn't think I've made any sort of progress, does he," I said, wallowing in my own lie and self pity.

Again he shrugged, "He didn't say,"

"Do you?"

"Honestly?" I nodded, "No,"

"That's helpful. Well you can leave, I'm perfectly fine." I said, motioning to the door.

He smiled, "Can't we talk?"

"About?"

"Anything. Have you been liking the weather lately?" he asked, hopefully sarcastically.

I felt a pang of guilt and pain in my stomach. Nothing had changed. "It's lovely.

"I thought so too, pretty good for Queens. I think we'll get snow soon. The weatherman said so too," he said, using a fake southern accent.

"You're weird,"

"I try,"

"So are you really giving this back?" he asked, picking up the box, " Because I don't want it either. It's yours." he said holding it out.

I debated over and over taking the necklace, but I couldn't. He barely knew me. And I decided to use that as my argument.

"I've learned more about you in a month than I've learned about others in my whole time knowing them Cacee. That has nothing to do with it. Take the fucking thing okay?"

I was taken back, "You don't have to swear at me."

"I'm sorry, but I want you to have it. I bought it for you. So take it," he said.

"Fine, god your stubborn," I said, taking it from his hand. His fingers brushed against mine and I got a weird feeling in my stomach. I couldn't do this again.

"You have to go,"

"Why?" he asked.

"Just go okay!?!" I screamed, storming into the bedroom and locking the door behind me. I didn't really care if he left or not. I just couldn't be in the same room as him. This down the hall system was not going to work.

I leaned against the door and slid down the the floor.

He knocked.

"Go home,"

"Cacee tell me what's buggin' you,"

"You! So leave!" I said.

He scoffed, "I haven't done anything to you,"

"It's not what you did... it's just you,"'

He was silent.

"Please go,"

"No, Cacee what the hell is wrong with you?" he asked, I could hear the doorknob turn as he tried to jimmy the lock.

"I'm just...stupid."

"You're not stupid," The lock clicked. The fucker got it open.

I was leaned against it but he was a lot stronger than me. He got in and sat down next to me. "Hey," he said casually.

"Hi,"

He smiled, "You okay?"

I looked down at myself. "Do I look okay?"

He nodded, "You look b-e-a-utiful," he said.

"Shut up,"

He looked at me, his eyes pleading for an answer. "Tell me what is wrong,"

I looked away.

"Cace,"

I heard Mikey walk through the front door. I got up and ran to greet him, like a child, and gave him a hug.

"You seem better,"

"I am now that your back. What movies did you get?"

"Trainspotting and A Clockwork Orange." he said, setting them down on the counter.

"Sounds good."

"They are...hey where's gee?"

He walked into the kitchen at that moment "I'm here. You need anything else Mikey?"

He shook his head, "No, thanks though,"

After he FINALLY left I wrapped my arms around Mikey's neck, "Um, I have a question for you,"

"Shoot,"

"Why did you ask him to come over when you were gone for like a half hour?" I asked.

He shrugged, "I just thought you'd want someone here."

"Well you could've asked me,"

"Why? Are you and him fighting again?"

"No...just...never mind. It's nothing,"

One morning, while I was lying in bed reading a magazine, I heard Mikey's cell phone ring (he didn't have a house phone). Since he was in the shower, I picked it up and looked at the screen. Alicia, it read.

I answered. "Hello?"

"Oh...I must have the wrong number-"

"Well who are you looking for?"

"Mikey?"

"He's busy."

"Oh. Who is this?"

"Cacee. His girl-friend." I said, trying to be as rude as humanly possible.

"Can you tell him I called? I really need him to call me. It's important,"

The nerve. "I guess so," I said, hanging up before she could reply.

I sat thinking of all the worst possible things she could have to talk to him about. You know me. Negative as ever.

He walked out of the bathroom and was all ready and purdy. I was still in my pajamas. "Hey did I hear my phone ring??" he asked.

"Yeah," I said, leaving it at that.

He laughed, "Well who was it?"

"Alicia,"

He looked confused, "Um okay. That's weird. I'll call her, see why she's stalking me," he said, laughing at his own joke. He dailed and held the phone up to his ear. "Hey you called...why?...Leesh, it's been almost a year- okay nine months sorry...well I don't do it. No I quit...well you would've known that if you hadn't been fucked up the whole time...Well I don't so don't call okay?" he snapped the phone shut and threw it on the floor.

I hate only hearing one half of the conversation. I didn't ask questions.

"Are you getting ready?" he asked.

"Why?"

"Just wondering,"

"What are you doing today?"

"We're going to Jersey today. Frank wants us to come meet his new girlfriend or something. He says this one's serious."

"What time?"

"In like an hour," he said, sitting down beside me on the bed.

My eyes widened, "I need warning bud!! Give me at least two hours next time!!" I said, jumping up.

He grabbed my arm. "Wait a second," he said, pulling me over to him.

"What Mikey?" I said, "I gotta get ready,"

He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Don't ever start doing drugs okay?"

I let out a slight laugh, "Okay,"

He smiled, eyes still sad. That killed me.

I showered an blowdried my hair, flat-ironed it and what-not. I did my make-up at this vanity thing he had in his room. I took a wild guess that it was Alicia's before she left. Not many guys had vanities in their rooms.

Mikey sat on the bed and watched me carefully apply my make-up. "Why do you put so much effort into it. I think you look fine."

I shrugged, "This makes me feel better though,"

"Why?"

"I dunno. Actually I think I look gross either way so I'm not too concerned about it." I said, putting everything back in my make up bag, then my suitcase.

"Why do you say things like that. You know it's not true-"

"No I don't"

"--And I don't like it," I apologized and tried to pick out something to wear. Something to show my legs a little, since I had full use of them again.

"Cace??"

"Hmm," I went through every single article of clothing I owned. Nothing.

"Do you still 'like' him?" he asked.

This, right here, was the exact reason I knew there would be problems with this arrangement. "No, all he was was an 'oh my god, this is too good to be true, I don't deserve this, let's go fuck it up,' kind of deal," I said.

"You thought you didn't deserve me? I'm not that special,"

I stared at him... "You're probably the best thing that's ever happened to me.."

"How so?"

"You care,"

He nodded, "That I do,"

"No one else did,"

"When? All the guys love you, and Dallas always cared."

"Only when he had the time,"

"You have the guys.."

"No...you are the only one that really truly cares."

He stood up, "As much as it hurts to say this Gee loves you a lot and he would pretty much do anything for you, as would I, so no more negativity okay?"

"Fi-ine."

He smiled, "Now there's the enthusiasm I was looking for,"

*

The Drive to NJ was long and awkward. Gerard was driving, so of course I think, Okay me and Mikey will sit in the back. No big deal right? Wrong. Gerard said that made him feel like a cab driver and wanted one of us to sit in the front.

"I still don't get why I have to sit back here," I said, plugging my iPod headphones into my ears.

"It's not a long drive. A few hours." Mikey said.

"Oh only a few?"

"Yeah. At least we don't have to drive back tonight, that'd be killer,"

I smiled, "Yeah,"

"Can I pick a song for you?" he asked.

I nodded and handed the player to him. When the song started a smile spread across my face. He knew me all too well.

"That's your favorite right? Drowning Lessons?"

I nodded.

He smiled, proud of himself, and faced forward again.

I felt like I had gotten through all 567 songs on my ipod before we finally got there. I got out, and stretched. Why they all lived in apartments I'll never know, but we climbed the stairs to the ninth floor, and walked into room 907, without knocking.

Mikey laced his fingers with mine. A calming warmth ran through my body. Frank stood up and smiled at us.

"So where is the lucky lady," Gerard said, sitting on the recliner.

"She'll be here in a bit,"

"Good then we can talk about her while she's gone," I joked.

He gave me a joking look, "Talk about how amazing she is? Okay!"

I shook my head and smiled.

"You guys can sit you know," he said, gesturing to the loveseat.

"You got a balconey?" I asked.

"Yeah why?"

I looked at him innocently, "I need some 'fresh' air,"

He rolled his eyes, "I'm sure it'll be real fresh,"

"Shut up. You wanna come with me Mikey?" I asked.

He nodded and followed me outside. I dug around in my purse for the pack of smokes I had bought the previous day. I pulled one out and offered to Mikey.

"I better not, I'll probably just steal a drag from you,"

I shrugged, "Suit yourself." I said, lighting up.

He caved, "Fine, gimme one,"

Just as he put in his mouth Gerard stepped out, "Mikey? What the fuck?"

"Uh.."

Gerard shrugged, "Don't hide it from me dude. Do you think I of all people would care?" he said holding up his own pack.

"I guess not." he said, taking a long relaxed drag, "I mostly hid it from Alicia at the start then it just became habit,"

The mention of her name made me cringe.

"Oh so she could do smack, but it was wrong for you to smoke? That's logic, pure logic."

Wait a minute.

Mikey told me he started after he broke up with her.

"Gerard, it's over, it's done with. Let it go," Mikey said standing up and facing the opposite direction.

"Dude, she destroyed you. I'll never let it go,"

"Grudger much?" I asked, in a sad (very sad) attempt to lighten the mood.

Gerard raised an eyebrow at me. "Grudger?"

I nodded, "Someone who holds a grudge.." I said like it should be obvious.

"Kay,"

Mikey turned around, "You know all your girlfriends haven't been angels either,"

"Mikey shut up," he said, a warning look on his face.

"What? Don't want Cace to know this? What's the problem?" They always did this. Tested each other. I hated it.

"I don't want anyone to know Mikey. Just shut up,"

"Cace do you want to know what happened?"

Oh sure.

Put the pressure on me.

Either way, someone would be mad.

"I'm not getting involved in this,"

"You want to know. Admit it,"

"Mikey stop it. Obviously Gee doesn't want me to know so why does it matter?"

"I don't want you to think that I'm the only with a bad past." he said, "So Gerard can look perfect,"

"I don't think that," I said, "Everyone makes mistakes, I can vouch for that. I'm the queen of fucking up,"

Gerard looked at me, "No your not."

"Thanks but I am. That's not the point just stop fighting okay?"

"No, you should know. He knows enough about you, it's only fair."

"Mikey shut it,"

"Gerard's last girlfriend-"

"Stop it,"

"I'M NOT LISTENING TO THIS!" I yelled, dropping my smoke and storming inside.

Siblings.

Was I damn glad I had none.

"What's going on out there?" Frank asked. "I don't want them fighting when Jamia comes."

I sat down on the couch. "If they are, I'll be sure to shove them off that balcony."

"Harsh,"

"Yeah, well it's been this way since..." I couldn't talk about it.

He nodded sympathetically, "I know it's okay."

"Honey! I'm home!" I heard Ray, imitating a girls voice, call from the doorway.

I moved uncomfortably in my chair. He hated me.

Balcony with fighting boys

Or in a room with a person who hates me.

I chose fighting boys.

I slid the glass door open, "You two done yet?"

"Yeah," Gerard said.

"Good, because I'm gonna stay out here for the rest of the night, and I like quiet." I said, sitting on mikey's lap.

"Umm Why?"

"Because, Ray is here,"

"So?" Mikey asked, putting his arms around me.

"He hates me,"

"Don't worry he hates me too," Gerard said, "We'll be hated together," he said, smiling.

I turned my head. Mikey had a pissed off expression on his face.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he grunted.

I put a finger under his chin and lifted his face so I could be at eye level with him. "Are you sure?" I said, kissing him gently

"Yeah," he said, "I'm fine,"

"Guys she's on her way!" Frank said excitedly, "Get in here,"

"Mikey, can I tell her at least?"

"Fine but I want her to know," he said, walking inside.

"Me?" I asked, pointing to myself like an idiot.

He nodded, "It's just... I don't want you to wonder or nothing," "Mhmm,"

"You know how like a million years ago I was into a lot of crap?"

"Yeah,"

"Well... it's really because my girlfriend, god rest her soul, was into the same kinda crap and well...she o.d.'d and...died, then I became more depressed and got worse and worse.

I gasped slightly. Do I hug him? Do I say I'm sorry? Do I faint with shock? What do I do?

I threw my arms around him and whispered, "I'm so sorry,"

"Thanks, but you have no reason to be sorry,"

"But then why are you mad at..." I trailed off.

"Because... I never wanted him to make the same mistakes as I did."

I nodded, "I guess that makes sense."

"Yeah..."

"Well let's go meet the famous Jamia shall we?"

He nodded, "Okay,"

"Frank I feel like I freaking idiot," Jamia said as he pushed her into the living room.

I smiled. What a goober.

"Guys, Jai; Jai, guys,"

"Maybe a formal introduction would be a little better," she said, smirking at him.

"Okay," he said, clearing his throat, "That's Gerard, and Cacee and Mikey, Ray and Bob and Rolena," he said pointing to everyone as he said their name.

(Rolena was Bob's fiance )

"Hi, I'm Jamia, most people call me Jai,"

"Hi Jai," everyone said.

"I still feel like a freaking idiot," she said, more to Frank than anyone else.

"Don't"

**

Small talk was made and Jai became more and more comfortable. She really had no reason to be shy or anything. She was absolutely gorgeous. She had long black hair, a supermodel figure and the most piercing gaze I had ever seen.

"Quite the catch you have there Frank," I said as I helped him grab drinks from the kitchen.

"Y'think so?" he said, clearly smitten.

"Mhmm,"

"Thanks.." he was quiet for a minute, "How are you doing lately?"

You can always talk to Franky I remembered. I shrugged, "Oh fine. Sometimes though.. I feel like Mikey's still mad at me,"

"He's not,"

"I know-"

"If anything, he's still mad at Gee,"

With nothing to say to that, I carried out as many drinks as I could without spilling and passed them out. Jai took one from me and stood up, "Hey you two wanna go outside a minute?" she asked me and Rolena.

I shrugged and Rolena jumped up, "Sure!"

We walked out to the balcony.

"Either of you two have a smoke?" Rolena asked, crossing her arms because it was so cold.

Ah Estrogen. Something I hadn't experienced in a while.

I pulled out my pack and gave her one then ofered to Jai. "No I don't smoke" she said.

I shrugged and pulled one out for myself. Why I had started again I will never figure out.

"So... Cacee right??" Jai asked.

"Mhm,"

"Frank talks about you a lot. He said you were in the hospital."

That idiot.

"He didn't say what for though,"

"I was sick,"

"Oh, descriptive,"

"I was in a...quadding accident. Broke my leg," Okay, so not a complete lie.

She nodded, "Yeah he said something about a broken ankle."

I smiled and took a long drag.

"How was touring with them?" Rolena asked.

I shrugged, "It was...interesting. I was only with them for a couple weeks, maybe only one I don't remember."

They both laughed.

I stood there uncomfortably. Apparently my whole life story was dictated to these girls without my knowledge. I wondered how much they really knew? Either they knew nothing or were too scared to bring it up. As long as I didn't have to talk about it I was fine.

We returned to the living room. I was greeted by a hug from Mikey. I smiled.

"Hey, it's kinda stuffy in here. You wanna go for a drive?"

A drive.

It sounded nice.

"Okay."

He asked Gerard for his keys, grabbed my hand then we left.

"Mikey, have you been drinking?"

"Yeah,"

"I'm driving then,"

"No, I wanna drive just get it,"

"I'm not getting in,"

"Fine, I'll go by myself."

"Fuck that," I said, gracefully snatching the keys from him. "I drive or we stay."

"I'll walk then,"

"Why do you want to leave so bad?"

"Because I do okay? Why does it matter?"

"It doesn't. Why does it matter if I want to drive?"

He gave up and climbed in the passengers seat.

"What is your problem?"

"Everything,"

What the hell?

"What's wrong, baby, just tell me,"

"I want to move,"

"Where to?" "Europe,"

I shook my head out of pure confusion.

"Why Europe."

"Because it's far."

"From?"

"My stupid brother,"

Okay... we may have something here.

"Why is he stupid?"

He scoffed, "I see the looks he gives you all the time. It's sickening."

"What looks?"

He was quiet for a minute. "He's still in love with you. It's like he thinks I don't know. But I know. And I hate him.

"You don't mean that,"

"Yes I do!!"

"...Talk to him about it,"

"No. I want to rip his heart out and break it in half. Then he'll know how I felt."

My stomach dropped. Tears blurred my vision. I could barely see the road. "You still resent me for that?"

"I-I...no I don't. I just...hate him. You were sick and he took advantage of that."

I tried to think if I had it in my bag. I was sure I did, unless he went through all my shit-

"Cacee, I love you."

"I love you too,"

"We can go back if you want. I just needed to talk to someone."

I took a deep breath, "I don't want to go back,"

"Where do you want to go?"

"Europe,"

*

After a few hours of driving in agonizing silence, we did go back. Maybe frank had something in his bathroom I could use-

"Cacee are you okay?" Gerard asked.

Mikey shot him an icy glare.

I ignored him and sat down on the recliner. Gerard came up, grabbed both of my wrists and pulled up my sleeves.

"Nothing to hide see?" I said shoving my arms in his face.

"Will you come outside for a second?"

"That was kind of embarrassing you know." I snapped.

"Will you come outside please?"

"No, I'm good right here."

"Stop bugging her," Mikey said.

I looked over at Jamia and Rolena. Great. Their first time meeting me and it has to be one of these days. This was just magical.

"Gerard, just stop it okay? This isn't the time or the place," Franks said.

"What?! I just want to talk to her!!" He protested.

"Well she obviously doesn't want to talk to you so drop it," Mikey said, pushing Gerard out of the way so he could sit next to my on the arm of the chair.

I closed my eyes and tried to block everything out. I thought about... just until I could do it. A felt smile spread across my face.

"Why don't you want to talk to me?" Gerard asked, putting his hand on my shoulder and shaking me slightly.

"Hmm?" My eyes snapped open, "Oh. Because I don't. De-al with it,"

Gerard looked hurt by this.

I gave him a look, "What?"

He shook his head, "Nothing,"

I rolled my eyes.

Jai stood up, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm packing it in. It was very nice to meet all of you.

Good Night!" she said, walking down the hallway.

Frank looked...torn. "Cacee if it get's real bad, scream rape and I'll be right here,"

I cracked a smile, "Okay,"

He followed Jai down the hall.

Ray stood up. He looked at Bob and Rolena, "This is normal Rolena." Asshole, "You guys ready to go?" They both nodded. Ray called out a thank you and goodbye to Frank. Frank yelled out his reply.

"See you, Drive safe!!"

Rolena looked at me, "It was nice to meet you Cacee,"

I smiled, "It was nice to meet you too,"

They left.

"Cacee. I just. Want. To talk." Gerard said.

"And I. Clearly. Don't." I replied, rudely.

"Why are you being such a bitch!"

I looked at Mikey. He looked angry and deep in thought, "I have my reasons for not speaking to you,"

"And they are?"

I completely ignored him and wandered down the hallway until I found a bathroom. Unfortunately, Mikey followed.

"Thank you Cacee," he said, kissing me rather passionately.

I pulled away, unaffected, "Mhm," I said, closing the door in his face. He was drunk it wouldn't matter to him.

First step to solving a problem is admitting you have one.

I admit that freely.

Yet my problem remains unsolved.

So, Frank has apparently not hit puberty yet because he has no facial hair, and no razors in the bathroom. This just frustrated me more. I found a small, pink compact mirror. I pried out the mirror, dropped it in the sink and it shattered. I pulled out a sharp piece.

"What was that?" I heard from outside.

Shit.

I cleaned everything and put the sharp one in my pocket. I opened the door to see Jai standing in front of me. I tried to walk past her nonchalantly but she stopped me.

"Did something break it there?"

"Nope," I replied.

She tried to look past me, "Are you sure? Because I thought I heard-"

"Jai, come to bed, it was nothing," Frank whined.

"Good night Cacee," she said, walking hurriedly away.

I made sure she was gone then stepped back in and closed the door.

**

I walked back into the living room, not nearly ready to sleep. Mikey was elsewhere and Gerard was sitting on the couch, almost like he was waiting. Creeper.

"Cacee?" he asked as I sat down.

"Hm,"

"Why won't you talk to me?"

I looked over his eyes were pleading to me. "Because it kills him" I said bluntly. My head started spinning. My sleeve was stained. "Fuck!" I yelled, jumping up and running to the kitchen. "You're getting sloppy Cace, smarten up!" I mumbled to myself.

"Cacee I-" he stopped as he saw what I was doing. I pretended he wasn't there, and continued to scrub.

"I'm going to bed," I said, abruptly turning off the tap.

He stuttered a bit, "M-Mikey....he's on the balcony..."

I walked outside and held my arm behind my back.

"Hey," I said sullenly, "I'm going to bed,"

"I'll be there after I finish this," he said, not turning around.

I assumed he meant his smoke and left to get ready for bed.

*

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!"

I snapped to a sitting position.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HER!!"

Someone one was yelling. I wasn't sure who. There was only two hers... hmm.

I got up and peeked around the corner. Gerard and Frank were standing in front of Mikey. He looked tired...

"What's going on?" I asked.

Frank turned around, "Go back to bed Cacee,"

"I'm not a child Frank, what's going on?"

He walked over to me. "It'll be okay. I promise."

"What will be okay?"

He grabbed my hand, "Mikey had a bit of relapse...it seems everyone's been doing a bit of that lately." he said, glancing down at my wrist.

I felt hot tears sting my eyes. I sank down to the floor and started chewing on my nails. My stomach turned to knots. I couldn't think.

"He'll be okay Cacee,"

"No, no, no, no, no, no." I mumbled.

"We never wanted you to see him like this,"

I stood up and ran over to him.

He looked at me, his eyes half shut, smirking stupidly. "Cacee," he said slowly, "Don't...." he trailed off, evidently too impaired to think.

It was true.

I didn't want believe it, but it was true.

I closed my eyes.

This wasn't happening.

"It's okay Cacee," Gerard coo-ed, "Everything will be okay," He wrapped his arms around me and I cried into his chest.

"Shh, come on you don't need to see him." Gerard said. Frank started yelling again. Gerard ushered me to my room.

"I did this to him didn't I,"

He shook his head, "He did it to himself."

"No...everything I've done... everything I've said..." I sobbed, "I did this,"

"No! It wasn't you. Trust me. It's no one's fault."

He lead me to my bed and I laid down. "Will he be okay?"

"I think so... I think this should be up to you...um, do you want us to take him back to rehab?"

I knew how long he'd be there too, trust me I've lived through it once before. Six months. If you relapse...you're there for Six. Whole. Months.

Here's where I made the biggest mistake of my entire life.

"I want him to be here...we can help him."

He nodded, "If you think so,"

*

I spent most of my time at Gerard's place. I would've rather been there than with Mikey. He was horrible. He wasn't quitting for anything.

"Rehab?" Gerard suggested, as he did daily.

I shook my head and stared at the cup of coffee in front of me.

Black.

How I liked it.

How I felt.

"I hate him,"

"Leave him,"

"And go where?"

"Here,"

"Oh that'll solve a lot. Being four doors down from him,"

He shook his head.

There was a fast knock at the front door. I got up and answered it. Mikey stood in front bouncing around impatiently. "Hey, I'm going out. The door is unlocked." he went to walk away.

"Hold on I'll come with you," I said, smirking at him.

"No. I'm just going for a walk. Be back in a bit."

I glared at him, "If you're just going for a walk why can't I come?"

"Because I want to go alone?"

"You've been alone all fucking day. I'm coming."

"Stop fighting you guys," Gerard recited from the kitchen.

"No you're not Cacee. I'm going alone."

"Fine," he started walking away, "Go OD in the street see if I care!" I yelled, slamming the door. I leaned against it and fought back tears. I was done crying.

"You can stay here again, if he doesn't come back tonight," Gerard said, looking at me sympathetically.

I didn't need anyone's sympathy.

"No, I'll go back. Don't even worry about it,"

He shrugged, "If you're sure,"

"I am,"

"I don't like it when you're alone though,"

I scoffed, "How come? Afraid I'll do something...drastic? Well I'm better than him,"

"Kay, what's wrong? I'm just worried about you,"

My expression softened. Why was I taking this out on him? "I'm sorry. I'd love to stay here Gee,"

He smiled, "I'm glad."

*

I ended up falling asleep on the couch next to Gee.

"Gerard, what time is it?" I asked, prodding him with my finger.

He cleared his throat and sat up, "Uh I unno,"

It was dark. I got up and looked at the clock on the stove. 3:30 am.

"I'm going to go see if Mikey made it back tonight." I told him. He was mindlessly flipping through the

channels and he nodded. I walked groggily to our apartment.

I was surprised to see him sitting outside, in the hall.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked.

He looked over at me. He wasn't high, thank god.

"I guess the door was locked."

"Don't have keys?" I asked.

He shook his head.

I sat down beside him.

"Gee has an extra set," he said. He went to get up but I stopped him.

"I miss you,"

"I'm...right here,"

I put my hand on his cheek. He was freezing. "No...you're way different."

"Well this is me, so-"

"No it's not!"

"Do you want me to be happy?"

"No, I want you to be healthy." I protested.

"So you don't want me to be happy,"

"Not if you're going to keep doing this, no,"

He looked at me, shocked he wasn't getting the answer he was looking for.

I stood up "I'll go get those keys," I said, as Mikey stood up too.

He gave me a soft kiss and I walked away.

I opened the door, "Gee do you have keys for our place?"

"Mhm over on the counter by the fridge." he said. I could tell he was half asleep.

I grabbed them and walked back to my apartment. Mikey was gone. "What the hell?" I asked, the wall since no one was there.

I let myself in anyways and walked straight outside. I needed a cigarette.

I heard someone walk in. I didn't care at that point I needed this smoke.

"Cacee?"

"Frank?"

Back the truck up. It was three thirty in the morning. What in god's name was he doing there?

He followed my voice out to the balcony.

"Hey," he said, smiling.

"Hi?"

He laughed, "I know it's a bit late...I mean early...I mean- Ugh what ever. Anyway I just wanted to see

you. See how you were."

My jaw dropped. "Wait. You had a fight with Jai didn't you."

He shook his head, "No she's in the car."

"Why'd you leave her in there?"

He shrugged, "She was sleeping?"

"Kay, go get her before she gets raped and killed this is Queens."

He gave me a look, "Don't joke Cace,"

"Sorry. Let's go get her." I said, putting out my smoke.

We walked downstairs and out to Franks car. I knocked on Jamia's window and she snapped awake, looking like I had given her a heart attack.

She opened the door. "Yes?"

"Come inside, I'm making coffee," I said.

Mikey met us at the apartment door but just pushed past me, like he didn't even know me. I grabbed his arm, "What the fuck is your problem?"

He turned around. I could see it in his face.

"Ugh," I said, dismissing him and walking inside. Only Jai followed.

"Frank don't waste your time," I called.

Jai quietly followed my upstairs and to my apartment. I threw together a pot of coffee.

"Are you okay?" she asked, sitting down at the kitchen table.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I asked, laughing slightly.

She raised an eyebrow, "Um-"

"Oh Mikey? That's normal. I'm over it,"

She gave me a look, "Why are you still with him?"

I sat down across from her, "I still love him, just not what he does,"

She sighed, "Oh-"

Frank appeared in the doorway, "Mikey passed out in the hall,"

I rolled my eyes, "Shocker," I stood up, "Let's go get him,"

He nodded. I followed him to where Mikey was sprawled out on the floor. I knelt down beside him and tapped the side of his face lightly with my palm. "Mikey, baby, wake up,"

"Mm,"

That was more than I usually got out of him.

"Get up," I said, pulling on his arm.

He used me ass a crutch to get to our front door.

"Jamia? Can you get him and put him on the couch?" Frank asked.

She hurried to the door and helped him away. Frank turned to me, "I've done my share of drugs but he's fucking up,"

I shrugged, "I can't do anything or say anything."

He pulled me into a hug, "I'm here as long as you need me,"

"There's coffee if you want." I said, pulling away, "I am going to bed,"

He nodded, "Okay g'night Cace,"

"Thanks for coming,"

*

I had a really hard time sleeping. Worst case scenarios kept running through my head. I couldn't keep living like this, knowing that any day he could be gone.

The door opened, making a yellow line of light appear on he wall. I didn't have the energy to move and see who it was. They cleared their throat and sat down next to me. "What?" I asked.

"Do you hate me?" Mikey asked slowly.

"What you're doing is what I hate."

He was quiet, I could tell he was coming down. "Well I'm trying to quit,"

"Not very hard, apparently."

"Cacee, it's not easy,"

I rolled over so my back was to him, "I know,"

He moved closer to me and pushed my hair off my neck, then kissed me gently, right behind my ear. I caved every time he did that.

"I just don't want you to see me... quitting is worse than starting."

"I don't care...just quit,"

He rested his head on my shoulder, and put his arms around me, "I love you,"

"I love you too,"

"Maybe...after this is all over...we can get married,"

I laughed. Either he was joking or it was the drugs talking, "I'd like that," I said, playing along.

"Kay,"

**

"Frank! Let me in!! I want to see him!!" I yelled.

Day 1 of withdrawal.

"Cacee, stay in the living room with Jai. You don't want to see him."

I had been fighting with him for almost two hours. "Don't tell me what I want Frank, just open the fucking door!"

Gerard stepped out and closed the door behind him.

"Gee I just want to-"

"I know Cace, but we don't want you to and neither does he."

"Ugh, this is fucking stupid,"

"You wanna go outside?"

I nodded and followed him.

"It's freezing out here,"

He took off his sweater and draped it on my shoulders. It smelled good. "Thanks."

"I know this is really hard for you," he started, lighting up a stogey. "But think of how much better it'll be after it's all over."

"He said he wanted to marry me," I said, laughing a little.

He nodded, "I'm sure he does,"

*

I finally convinced Gerard to let me see Mikey. Now I had to convince Frank.

"Frank? Gerard said I could come see him,"

There was silence.

I knocked, "Frank?"

He opened the door, "Yeah come in," he caved.

"That easy?" I asked.

He nodded, "He's not as bad now,"

I walked in apprehensively. He was lying there, kind of rigid. He looked in a lot of pain. I sat down next to him. Didn't say anything, just sat with him.

Frank sat an empty, plastic ice cream pail down next to me, "He'll need this,"

"Are you leaving?"

"For a bit,"

I nodded. "Okay,"

I grabbed his hand, it felt lifeless and cold. His back arched, knowing what was coming, I put the bucket

beside him and squeezed my eyes shut.

Gerard walked in, "I'll clean that up for you,"

"Should we take him to the hospital," I asked, worried.

"If you changed your mind about the rehab deal then sure,"

I rubbed my head, stressed. He gave me a sympathetic look and walked into the bathroom.

Mikey's grip tightened on my hand.

"Gerard why is he like this?"

He walked out, "Heroin doesn't just take your mind, it takes your body too."

"Oh,"

"It only lasts a couple of days. Then it'll...be like he has the flu Then he'll be perfectly fine."

"Are you- oh of course you're sure. You've done this."

He nodded, "Mhm,"

I moved closer and Mikey rested his head on my lap, and pet his head in a soothing kind of way, and held his hand with my other.

"I'm gonna leave. If you need anything else just shout,"

I nodded.

I stayed with him for the rest of the day, he progressively got better. I ended up falling asleep, in that same position. When I woke up, Mikey was sleeping useasily, not having moved.

"How's he doing?" Frank asked, walking in.

I shrugged, "I don't know...he just looks uncomfortable,"

"He probably is,"

"Probably,"

"How are you doing?"

I sighed, "As good as I can be,"

"Have you been..." he trailed off.

I shook my head, knowing exactly what he wanted to say, "No, one of us has to be strong,"

He smiled that...Franky smile he has. "I'm proud of you,"

"Me too,"

"You know...the other night... I came out here cause I had bad vibes. That's saying a lot. I just...hope you know how much I care about you and how much Gerard cares. Even Bob cares, though he might not show it."

"I do know, trust me,"

"Ray's a different story...but you have these three guys who'd pretty much do anything for you... and Mikey would die for you. I mean, look what he's doing right now. For you,"

"I know,"

"Good." he crawled toward me and gave me a huge hug, "I love you Cace.. We love you... okay?"

"I love you guys too,"

He smiled, "Okay...he's sleeping, do you want to come out to civilization again?"

I laughed, "I think I'll stay here. Just for a while. When he looks more asleep, I'll come out,"

"Okay,"

After a couple hours, I noticed Mikey's body had relaxed a lot and he looked a lot more comfortable. I leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Mikey?"

"Hmm,"

"I'm gonna go out into the living room...that okay?"

"No, baby please stay,"

I kissed his cheek, "I'm just going to get something to eat. I'll be right back okay?"

He nodded.

I didn't really want to leave him but I hadn't eaten in like two days. I went into the kitchen and looked through the fridge. It was empty except for a jar of pickles and a carton of outdated milk. Yum. "Remind me to buy groceries," I said, to whoever was listening I guess.

Gerard walked in, "No food?"

"Nope,"

"Do you want to go out?"

I gave him a look.

"For lunch idiot,"

I laughed, "No I can't. I promised Mikey I'd be right back,"

"Oh...well we can get some one else to stay with him. Come on, you need to eat." he persisted.

My stomach grumbled, really loud.

"See?"

"I'll go talk to him a minute, then I have to do something with myself. Then we can go okay?"

He nodded.

I apprehensively walked into our room and sat down beside him. He was fast asleep. It seemed mean to wake him.

I stepped outside, "Frank, can you come stay with him. I have to get something to eat,"

"Sure,"

"Do you want us to bring you back something?"

"Sure. I don't care what,"

"Kay,"

I looked decent enough to go out. Not like I'd see someone I knew anyway, I didn't know anyone.

"You ready?"

"Mhm,"

*

I stared at out the car window at the blur of buildings on the street. I randomly started to feel...sad...about everything really. I hadn't recently allowed myself to b,e but leaving the house gave me a break to do so I guess.

"Cacee what's-"

"Nothing"

He was quiet.

"Everything is so fucked up,"

"It's getting better though right?"

I shrugged.

"What's bugging you?"

"I...don't know."

"Are you still taking your meds?"

Okay.

He was the only one that knew.

I was supposed to be back on antidepressants.

"I just want to be normal. I shouldn't have to take pills to be happy. I should...just be happy,"

"So that's a no,"

"Yeah,"

"Have you been cut-"

"No," I answered reflexively.

"Glad to hear it,"

"I want to...but I can't."

"Why do you want to?"

"Because then I wouldn't get like this,"

He pulled into the parking lot of this diner that he claimed to have the best burgers...ever.

"Cacee...take them."

"Why?"

"They help. I know,"

I sighed, "My form of self-medication is much more effective,"